Written by Mr Gamble, Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Experienced sexual explorer Mr Gamble gives his top tips for men attending their first sex party or sex positive event.
Note: These are tips mostly intended for cis-men in relationships attending sex parties, however, much can be applied to other genders and identities attending a variety of play parties.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.
Be outgoing, friendly, humble, funny and kind; keep that swagger firmly in its box. The myth is that if a man is surrounded by beautiful people and hot sex, he’s bound to be hard as a rock for hours and hours. The reality is that it can sometimes be a bit overwhelming or stressful.
Whether it’s the first time or tenth, attending a sex party elicits a maelstrom of emotions: excitement, euphoria and a heavy dose of nervousness. Nerves are entirely normal and to be expected when exploring a new sexual fantasy.
However, with a considered approach you can relax, enjoy and most importantly be a positive member of the party and community.
Whats the most important thing to remember about going to your first sex party?
1. Consent, consent, consent
The popular saying is that there’s nothing sexier than consent. While that’s undeniable, the real rule is that nothing ever happens without consent. Hopefully, this won’t be groundbreaking information but you should take a fresh look at your attitudes and behaviours every time you play.
Talk to your partner before the event about your desires, boundaries and sexual fantasies. Seek and obtain enthusiastic consent before initiating or progressing play. Establish boundaries, work out how each of you like to play, and when you want to stop. Check in with your partner regularly, even (and especially) among the wildest throes of an orgy.
There are plenty of ways to make seeking consent fun, spontaneous, and natural; it needn’t be a monotonous stream of “may I touch you”. Think of ways that suit the scenario that give you both options to express or withdraw consent happily as you play. It can be as simple as “does that feel good, would you like more”.
If it’s anything other than freely given, enthusiastic consent it’s time to stop whatever you’re doing. Once given, consent can be withdrawn at any time by either of you.
2. Remember why you’re there
People attend a sex party for many reasons but it’s fair to say, no one goes into it hoping to get hurt or to damage their existing relationship(s). Keep your partner and your agreed parameters in the front of your mind while at the event - no matter how busy or occupied you may be. Honouring agreed rules and boundaries is the foundation of how to explore new sexual fantasies happily and with consent.
Maintain a connection to why you’re there, what you want to achieve together, and how you each support each other.
If you’ve established rules beforehand, now isn’t the time to bend or break them, and it’s probably not the time to try to renegotiate them in the room. If you desperately want to do something that’s outside your firm rules, talk to your partner about it. Provided it’s appropriate, you may want to take them aside somewhere quiet and private to discuss it.
More often than not, however, the best course of action is to just enjoy what you’re doing within the rules on that night and then talk about changing those rules back at home later (preferably over a nice meal or drink).
3. Attitude is everything
It’s tempting to think that behaving like the alpha dog is a sure-fire way to be lavished with attention. From years of witnessing it, it’s clear this couldn’t be further from the truth. Guys who strut around acting as if they own the show are almost universally given the cold shoulder by singles and couples alike. If you think that being ignorant, arrogant or aggressive is the best move, you’re in the wrong game.
Keep in mind that you’re not only hoping to win over one person, in many instances you’ll also need to earn the trust of that person’s regular partner too.
Don’t blow your chances by being cocky and disrespectful; this includes being open and friendly to men and/or people you have no desire to play with.
Be outgoing, friendly, humble, funny and kind; keep that swagger firmly in its box. Don’t be afraid to compliment others meaningfully.
Finally, remember to comply with the party code of conduct - no one likes a guy who thinks he’s above the rules.
4. Sometimes it just doesn’t work
Some men do their best to keep this a personal secret but here it is upfront: the overwhelming majority of the men who attend a play party will have some form of difficulty getting or maintaining an erection at some point during a party.
The myth is that if a man is surrounded by beautiful people and hot sex, he’s bound to be hard as a rock for hours and hours. The reality is that it can sometimes be a bit overwhelming or stressful - even though it’s hotter than you could have imagined.
The body’s natural response to stress is to shut down unnecessary functions which, unfortunately, can include your erection. Cortisol (a stress hormone) doesn't let Testosterone (a sex hormone) do its job.
Regrettably, most guys’ natural response to this twist is to panic or worry something is wrong. Of course, that’s literally the worst thing you can do as it immediately builds a negative mental feedback loop.
If you find yourself in this situation remember that it’s happened to basically every other guy in the room, it’s only natural. No one else in the room cares and your partner(s) will understand completely. Being kind to yourself, lighthearted and honest about the situation will usually give you the space and power to to overcome it.
Simply saying to your partner “it looks like everything is a bit much right now for me, would you mind if we did something else for a while is often a perfect way to regroup, destress and get back to it. Don’t feel the need to hide or panic, just relax and enjoy yourself!
Crucially, don’t lose sight of the fact that defining sex as penetration with a penis is hugely heteronormative and pretty myopic. Now is your opportunity to show that there are plenty of other ways for you to have a great time and be a hit with everyone, take your mind off your cock and focus on your partner’s pleasure.
5. Get reacquainted with an old friend
This one is particularly relevant for first time party-goers. But it can apply to veterans too.
A lot of guys attending a party for the first time are part of a couple who have been together for a while. The odds are that an established relationship has resulted in the two of you being fluid bonded meaning you probably haven’t used condoms for a while.
So what happens? A nervous, excited guy attends a sex party and then, right at the peak of everything, he has to rapidly remember how to put on a condom quickly and without fumbling all over the place. Of course, this has the potential to be stressful and we can find ourselves back at tip number 4 all over again.
Try out some condoms prior to the party with your regular partner. Recall what it’s like to wear a condom and test different sizes, shapes, textures and materials to find exactly the one that suits you.
Once you’ve found the perfect one, go and buy a substantial amount and bring them to parties (don’t just rely on the ones provided by the hosts). You’ll feel better using it and you’ll be comfortable putting it on confidently and quickly.
Remember, you can end up using a dozen or more at a party so make sure you buy and pack appropriately. I buy mine in boxes of 100 and I’m still staggered by how quickly the stock diminishes!
Finally, make sure you and your partners have agreed safer sex practices (including whether and how you use oral barriers and protections for hand sex). Communicate those clearly rules to new people and make sure you know the rules for everyone before you play.
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.