Maintaining Sexual Attraction and Keeping the Spark Alive in Relationships

Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist

Sydney-based Somatic Sexologist and Sex & Intimacy Counsellor Alice Child gives her top tips for keeping the sexual spark alive in long term relationships, and how to maintain sexual attraction year after year.

Maintaining sexual attraction in a long-term relationship

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.

Attraction is many things, and it can be cultivated

I've lost count of the number of couples or people who say to me "I just don't think we find each other attractive any more".

They say this with a look of doom - as if this must be the end of their sex life. Afterall, can we really have a great sex life without attraction?

But please don't loose hope. I see this time and time again- and it is possible for these couples re-find their erotic attraction for one another, and rebuild their sexual confidence. Here's what helps.

But first....what is attraction?

Great question!

Our society is incredibly fixated on physical attraction - what we look like. This is a shallow 'looks based' version of sexual attraction. It also perpetuates cripplingly unrealistic beauty standards.

According to porn, the media and many depictions in popular culture, it's only skinny, young people with big penis', big boobs, and no body hair who have great sex and are seen as sexually attractive. Which is simply NOT TRUE. But with these messages everywhere, it's no wonder that so many people struggle with their body image, and feel low sexual confidence when their body inevitably changes over time.

Physical attraction (ie what we see when we look in the mirror) is just one small part of what makes up 'attraction' for most people.

I like to encourage people to think about the following:

1. Attraction is different for everybody -Many people don't WANT their partner to look like a porn star. Stop comparing. Comparison is the thief of joy.

2. Confidence is sexy - When your partner FEELS desirable/confident/attractive, you also SEE them as more desirable/confident/attractive. It's a happy spiral. What are you doing day to day to help them feel sexy and desirable and to keep the simmer alive? If you struggle with body image, read this blog

3. Attraction isn't just physical - I always ask couples 'what they first found attractive about each other when you met?'. 9 times out 10 people don't answer with physical attributes - I hear things like their personality, energy, smell, body language, confidence, voice, humour, values, kindness, eye contact and communication far more often.

4. Attractive changes with context and headspace - How 'attractive' we find our partner is different in different contexts. For example, it's pretty unusual to find them attractive in the middle of an argument! But it might be far easier to find them attractive when watching them be kind to a stranger. Many couples 'loose attraction' when going through a rough patch, only to refind it when the context has shifted

5. Attraction changes with emotional connection - How attractive we find our partner also changes depending on how connected (or disconnected) we feel to them day to day. Things like stress, conflict, screen-time, and mundane routine skills attraction. Read this article about the simmer!

6. In control vs out of control factors - Attraction changes with many factors, and some things are within our control to amplify (for example, wearing perfume might make you feel more attractive). Other things are outside of our control (for example you might not love the size of your nose). Focus on the things that are within your control rather than the things you cannot change.

Does attraction matter?

Absolutely! Sexual attraction is a key part of the erotic formula "Arousal = Attraction + Obstacles". In order to have a long and fulfilling sex life, it's important to learn how to keep sexual connection and attraction alive as your relationship evolves.

As a first step, are some initial tips to help you get maintain your sexual attraction and chemistry in long term relationships.

If you are ready to take the next step to improve your relationship and sex life, book in a session or check out my couples programs.

How to keep attraction alive - year after year:

Tip 1: Don't hurt their sexual confidence

Honesty is not always the best policy.

If you say something like: "I just don't find you as attractive as I used to" or "I just prefer younger bodies" or "I just wish you had a bigger penis" - What impact is this going to have on your partners confidence?

Obviously not great. These sorts of statements can have a really lasting negative impact on your partners confidence, and I have seen them negatively impact a couples sex life - often for years afterwards.

This is because these statements aren't constructive. They only serve to undermine your partners erotic confidence, and makes them feel rejected and hurt.

Low sexual confidence (from either side) is always harmful to your sex life. It makes it really hard or impossible for them to:

• feel desirable/wanted/loved

• Trigger their desire for sex/ get turned on

• get naked in front of you

• get vulnerable in front of you

• initiate sex and intimacy

• have fun with you

• show you any erotic desire

• Try new things in the bedroom

• Buy sexy clothes or lingerie

• Flirt or be playful with you

• Have conversations about sex

I understand your desire to be honest. But instead, think about this - what am I wanting to get out of saying this?

If you're wanting a better, more connected sex life, hurting your partners sexual confidence is always going to have the opposite impact.

Instead think about the things that are actually within your (and their) control.

For example, if you find it a turn off when your partner uses a baby voice in the bedroom, that is something that they can actually do something about. This is helpful (not harmful) feedback to receive.

Focus on giving constructive feedback lovingly, not critically.

Learn how to talk about sex with love, not criticism.

Tip 2: Keep Adventuring

When was the last time you learnt something new together? Novelty and newness are huge aphrodisiacs, so keep trying trying new things in life - not just sex.

Be playful, get curious, go on adventures, and trigger your creativity. Foster your friendship and your fondness for one another.

Novelty is the spice of life...and rocket fuel for attraction.

Schedule good quality time for date nights / date days & holidays. There is a very good reason why so many people have amazing sex on holiday. Don’t forget that!

Tip 3: Don't fall into a parent/child dynamic

You are each others lovers, not parents. So act like it. Pick up after yourself. Don‘t patronise each other. Don‘t ‘parent‘ them by telling them when to go to sleep or what to eat.

Nothing kills attraction faster than feeling you are living with a child or a parent. Especially if you already have little ones!

Make sure you share the mental, emotional and physical load in the house. Couples who share the housework are statistically more likely to have more sex. So share the chores and your mental load equally.

Tip 4: Meaningful & Varied Compliments

Attraction is so often about confidence. Help each other FEEL attractive by showing & telling them. Often. And don’t just say the same old lazy lines. Mix it up and make it meaningful. It was hit differently.

Instead of saying ‘hi beautiful’ for the 1000th time, try complimenting a specific thing. “You look beautiful” is so different to “I love your body in that dress!”

And remember - men need compliments too! (and get them far less in our society). Don’t neglect telling your man he is sexy too.

For more tips about fostering desire, read this article on the simmer

Tip 5: Initiate with Seduction

Don‘t take each other for granted and fall into lazy habits when it comes to initiating sex. Every body wants to feel sexy, wanted, desired & attractive. So seduce each other - even 20 years later!

Don’t just think about your needs when you initiate sex - think about what helps them get in the mood. Don’t do the same thing every time. Mix it up. And take a no gracefully.

This is all about treating the whole relationship as foreplay. When you do this, your confidence, closeness, intimacy & attraction will thrive.

Tip 6: Prioritise yourself

Stop focusing on just them - focus on yourself. Don't forget to make an effort on yourself. Think about what makes you feel sexiest/most confident, and prioritise it. Encourage your partner to do the same.

It’s not realistic to be ”always on” for your partner, but don’t turn completely off. There is a difference between wearing no makeup and feeling fresh in your PJs to leaving your dirty underwear on the floor. Find your boundaries!

And remember that great attraction, connection and chemistry needs a bit of distance. It’s often the things that make our partner different from us that first attracted us to them.

Remember, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Healthy relationships respect privacy and alone time. Practice lovingly giving and respecting each others‘ solo time.

Tip 7: See their sexual attraction through other people's eyes

Take a step backwards from seeing them as your “flatmate” or “friend“ and see them as your lover. Remember why you fell in love with them!

• What first attracted you?

• What attractive qualities do they still have?

• How would a stranger see them?

• What attributes do you most value/love about them?

It's also healthy to reframe your mindset and look at them in new ways- attraction can comes from many things and it can keep evolving over a lifetime. For example...:

• Sweaty gym gear = you‘re so strong and athletic. I want to rip those clothes off you!

• Pregnancy stretch marks = your body is so incredible. I want to worship every curve

• No makeup PJs on sofa = I love these intimate moments just the two of us.

Tip 8: Talk about your red lights / green lights

Have open, ongoing conversations about sex, desires, and intimacy. It might be that very simple things super charge your attraction (eg putting on a certain outfit/scent) and other things are turn offs. For example:

Green lights:

• What turns you on?

• When do you each feel at your sexiest / most confident?

• What makes you feel connected / attracted to each other?

• What is your favourite part of them?

• What gets you in the mood?

Red lights:

• What turns you off?

• When do you not feel sexy/ confident?

• What makes you feel disconnected to each other?

• What Icks might you have that can be addressed with a loving conversation (eg please never use a baby voice!)

Tip 9: Fantasise about them (instead of porn)

Porn can be great for solo pleasure, but don‘t let it completely replace thinking about your partner when you masturbate. Instead, let your mind wander.

Think of the things you want to do together. Think about what you enjoy doing / saying / touching and feeling.

Using fantasy instead of porn can give you new ideas for sex & intimacy, and keeps your desire for each other strong. If you need visual stimulation - ask for and share nudes together! We are never too old!

Want more support? Consider booking into my couples sex and intimacy programs. You will learn what you like, how to ask for it, how to navigate differences, and get lots of ideas for trying new things together and keep your sexual spark alive.

Alice

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.