The Recipe for Great Sex
Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Sydney-based Somatic Sexologist and Sex & Intimacy Counsellor Alice Child explains how to discover your Core Erotic Theme and how to use the erotic equation to have the best sex of your life. (plus why the Twilight series engrossed so many horny teenagers!)
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.
Understanding your own Core Erotic Theme is your secret weapon to having the best sex of your life - over and over and over again.
According to Sex Therapist Jack Morin in his novel The Erotic Mind, understanding your own Core Erotic Theme is your secret weapon to having the best sex of your life - over and over and over again. He even goes so far as creating a recipe for great sex.
What makes sex 'hot'?
Take your mind back to a peak sexual experience in your life. What made it so exciting? What turned you on so much? What was happening? How did you feel? Why was it so unique?
Now think about a ''go-to'' sexual fantasy that you enjoy during self pleasure. What makes that so arousing? What turns you on about it? What is happening? How do you feel in the moment?
These are the exact sort of questions you need to be asking yourself if you want to discover your Core Erotic Theme. Going under the hood of your Erotic Mind, and working out how you tick.
Human sexuality is broad and complex and we all get turned on by different fantasies and kinks. But there are two things that ties us all together.
What is the recipe for great sex?
After studying the inner-most fantasies, kinks, desires, and experiences of thousands of people, Morin realised that attraction alone is not enough for great sex.
Arousal and chemistry also needs some form of novelty, tension or challenge in order to thrive. He created the erotic equation:
Arousal = Attraction + Obstacles.
When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense.
When sex feels too comfortable, safe, predictable, easy, familiar, or relaxing - over time it becomes boring. And boring sex is never hot.
The key to a lifetime of great sexual exploration and fantasy is all about finding what kind of ‘obstacles’ your brain finds sexy. This is where the Four Cornerstones come in.
What are the Four Cornerstones of Human Eroticism?
The Four Cornerstones of Human Eroticism are the most common types of ''obstacles'' that humans desire for great sex. Depending on which ones resonate for you, those will help you inject much more fun and excitement into your sex life even after 30 years of marriage.
The four Cornerstones act as rocket fuel for arousal and sexual desire. With consenting adults these can all be explored in a very fun and healthy way.
1: Naughtiness/ taboo
If growing up you…had a strict or conservative upbringing with lots of rules or sex was unspoken/wrong
You might love…. breaking rules, feeling naughty, having sex that feels ‘taboo’, forbidden love/relationships
For example…. Exhibitionism/voyeurism , Falling for people you ‘shouldn’t’ eg religious figures, Public sex, sending nudes, dirty talk, degradation, wearing no knickers on date night, ‘naughtier’ sex positions eg anal/doggy, getting turned on by things society says are taboo, stepsister/stepbrother porn etc.
Obstacle to overcome: Rules/norms
Book/Film examples: Lolita, Flea Bag, Bridgeton, Beautiful Stranger, Priest
2. Playing with Power
If growing up you…felt you had little control in your life
You might love…. Playing with erotic power - either surrendering sexual control, taking erotic control, or a bit of both
For example…. Getting crushes on people in positions of higher/lower power to you eg your professor/boss, enjoying feeling sexually powerful or weak, Kink / BDSM, bondage, submission/dominance, rough sex etc.
Obstacle to overcome: Power Imbalance
Book/Film examples: Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey, Story of O, Dark Notes
3: Longing and Anticipation
If growing up you…craved more love, time and emotional attention/connection from your caregivers
You might love…. Building up longing and anticipation during sex/relationships - or even being denied
For example…. Slow teasing/build up during sex, edging before orgasm, getting crushes on people you can’t have, long distance relationships being HOT, cuckolding, orgasm denial, date night anticipation, ‘does he/does he not like me’
Obstacle to overcome: Distance / Impossible Love
Book/Film examples: Romeo & Juliet, The Thorn Birds, PS. I love you
4: Overcoming Ambivalence
If growing up you… Had a complicated relationship with a caregiver or influential person in your life
You might love…. Falling for people who confuse you
For example…. Liking/not liking, wanting/not wanting, being attracted to/being repulsed by, Sleeping with ‘the bad boy/girl’, Changing your mind, Initial perceptions being replaced by desire, Fantasising about somebody you don’t like in real life or whose politics/values/appearance you don’t like, Meeting somebody who at first you can’t stand but come to really desire, on-again off-again relationships
Obstacle to overcome: Your own mixed emotions about that person
Book/Film examples: Pride & Prejudice, You, A Kingdom of Dreams, It Happened One Summer
An final example in popular fiction
Let's think about the Four Cornerstones one final time using the popular Twilight series as an example!
The Edward/Bella romance was a compelling erotic blockbuster for teenagers everywhere for a reason! Their relationship draws on all four themes, meaning (in theory!) there is something there for everyone:
Taboo: Bella 'shouldn't fall in love with a vampire’ - her Dad (and the whole world!) would disapprove.
Power: Plus he is so much stronger, older, and more dangerous than her - he could kill her at any moment!
Longing/anticipation: Plus he keeps disappearing/leaving her! So much denial/longing.
Overcoming ambivalence: Plus he has his own demons and is definitely not perfect - he lies to, abandons and even stalks Bella, leaving her very conflicted. They just have so much to overcome!
Please book in a session to explore your fantasies, kinks, erotic mind, or desires in more depth and in a safe space.
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.