The Ultimate Guide to Sex Parties: A Sexologist’s Guide to Group Sex, Orgies and Sex Parties
- Alice Child
- 6 days ago
- 7 min read
Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child talks about the world of group sex, and explains everything you need to know before attending your first sex party.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.
Whether you’re single, in a couple, or just curious to observe, sex parties are incredible sex-positive spaces to explore, connect, and celebrate the diversity of bodies, sexualities, kinks, and relationships.
As a certified Somatic Sexologist, group sex—or group play—is one of the most common fantasies my clients share with me. But most people don’t know how to bring their fantasies to life.
Although group sex is easy to find on Pornhub, most people don’t have the vocabulary, communication tools, knowledge, or community to help them happily, safely and consensually turn these desires into a reality.
Well, where there’s a fantasy, there’s a way! Here’s my ultimate guide to group sex, orgies, and sex parties.
Are sex parties ‘normal’?
When it comes to human sexuality, there is no such thing as normal! Every single person has their own unique sexual blueprint, and exploring or experimenting is a healthy part of being human. As long as sexual activity involves enthusiastic consent from all adults, and it’s safe, fun, and pleasurable for everyone involved—then go for it!
As a Somatic Sexologist and Sex Educator, I’ve found that group sex, sex parties, and even just wanting to try them are more common than most people think. Many people happily and healthily explore group sex—whether alone, with a partner, or with a community.
What are the potential benefits of group sex and sex parties?
Staying curious and trying new things nearly always leads to amazing discoveries in your sex life. This is because curiosity activates our nervous system, and releases an incredible array of neurotransmitters and hormones into the body. New sexual experiences also help us stay more present, excited and ‘in the moment’ during sex, instead of ‘switching off’ or falling back into old routines.
If you’re in a couple: Exploring ethical non-monogamy (ENM) can expand your sexual experiences—together or separately—while also deepening your communication and connection.
If you’re single: Group sex can be a great way to explore your sexuality and discover new fantasies, partners, communities and erotic situations.
If you are curious but don’t want to be physically intimate: That’s totally okay too! Sex parties are an amazing place to see the beautiful diversity of human bodies, sexualities, kinks, sexual styles and relationships. They are sex-positive communities where people are far more open when it comes to communication and sexual expression. Even as a ‘fly on the wall’, you’ll probably learn a thing or two, and meet some amazing people.
Things to consider before your first sex party
Like anything new in sex and relationships, group sex might uncover unexpected emotions and feelings. It’s important to go into the experience with as much knowledge, education, and communication as possible to make sure it’s a fun, pleasurable, and positive experience for everyone involved.
My tips are to start slowly, practice your sexual communication, and dip your toe in the water before trying anything physical. For example, watch group-sex porn, sign up for an alternative dating app, or go to an event without getting physically involved first. Chat about how these experiences felt before and afterwards, including anything that surprised you and anything you were curious about.
I would also recommend finding and connecting with your local sex-positive community. This might be more difficult if you live in a rural or remote area, but there are also lots of amazing online communities. Check out networking sites and apps like Red Hot Pie, Feeld, Reddit and Fetlife. This will help you meet like-minded people and ask any questions you might have before attending your first event.
Go out and get more sex-positive education! There are heaps of podcasts, books, articles, and forums out there to help you. If it all feels a bit overwhelming, book a session with me. I work with many people who are curious about threesomes and group play, and help them navigate these conversations and any questions they may have.
How do I stay safe at a sex party?
Using contraception, practising safe sex, and testing for STIs regularly will help keep you and your community safe. Always use a condom, wash your hands regularly, and use condoms on any toys or vibrators that you might wish to share.
Before entering a group sex environment, it’s very important to feel comfortable asserting your own boundaries and asking for the affirmative consent of others.
If this is something you struggle with, it’s time to practice! For example, play a game with a friend or partner where one person asks for some form of physical touch and the other simply declines. For example, you might ask “May I kiss you?”, and the other person clearly but respectfully says “No”. When you hear “No”, practice saying “Thank you”. Try this a few times each, and chat about how it felt afterwards.
Remember, if you turn up and don’t like it, you can always just go home.
How to find the perfect event?
As I mentioned before, there are dating apps and social platforms that have been designed for ethical non-monogamy (ENM) relationships and sexually explorative people to meet and connect. Red Hot Pie, Feeld and Fetlife are good places to start, depending on your interests.
Many cities have a variety of sex-positive parties and events designed for different crowds, interests, kinks, and age groups. Although it might be difficult to know where to find these events, Google (and the apps!) can be surprisingly helpful.
Make sure you do your research! You don’t want to accidentally turn up to a BDSM event if that’s not your thing! Reach out to the event organisers - they’re often very happy to answer any questions you might have about the crowd, atmosphere, and venue before coming to your first event.
Top 10 tips for your first sex party
The night is here! Here are my top tips for the night itself:
Look the part
Make getting ready for the night part of the foreplay. Take your time, enjoy a steamy bath, pick out your favourite lingerie or outfit. Check if the event has a particular dress code or theme - you don’t want to be turned away for wearing the wrong clothing by accident! Get excited, and don’t rush yourself.
Pack a bag
Talk to the event organiser and find out what you might need to bring. Some events are BYO drinks, some have snacks/nibbles, some have cloak-rooms, and some don’t. So it’s always best to come prepared. Bring a bag with your favourite erotic toys, lube, condoms, hand sanitiser, mints, perfume, deodorant, makeup, and consider bringing chocolate or lollies in case you need a sugar hit at the end of the night!
Don't be fashionably late
It might feel tempting and less awkward to get there late when the party is kicking off, but if it’s your first time, getting there early might not be a bad idea. It’ll give you more time to take a tour of the space, chat to the organisers, have a drink, talk to some people, and get comfortable before the play kicks off. Many people like to chat first before diving into anything physical, and if you arrive too late, you might miss that opportunity.
Don't get drunk
I get it - you’re nervous, and having a glass of wine helps with those initial butterflies. But drinking too much is never a good idea at a sex party. Your body becomes less sensitive and responsive, you might struggle to build arousal/desire, you’ll find it harder to assert your own consent, and you won’t remember as much the next day. You’ll have more pleasure (and stay safer) if you’re sober.
There is no shame in watching
There is never any pressure to play if you decide you don’t want to for any reason. It’s usually completely acceptable to decide to watch instead of getting involved. After all, exhibitionists need an audience! It’s good manners to ask, and make sure you keep enough distance not to disturb the people involved.
Ask before touching
If you see somebody (or somebodies!) who you would love to play with, always ask them first. Practice saying things like “May I kiss you?”, or “May I join in?”, rather than assuming. Don’t be upset or defensive if people say “no” or assert different boundaries. Smile and say “thank you”. Practice establishing clear, ongoing consent. For example: “Where would you like me to put my hand?”, “Do you enjoy having your neck kissed?”, or “How could this feel even better?”.
Practice safe sex
Never let safe sex practices go out the window. Get an STI test before the event, use condoms/dental dams, throw them away hygienically, wash your hands regularly, and don’t share uncovered sex toys. Don’t be afraid to ask new partners about their STI status and communicate yours.
Find your voice
Similarly, don’t be afraid to communicate your own needs, boundaries, desires and consent. If you struggle with communication, it might feel good for you to agree on some form of safe word or signal with your play partner(s) if you are feeling unsure or need things to slow down. Practice being able to communicate what feels good in your body (and what feels less good).
Get out of your head and into your body
Try and enjoy rather than overthink on the night. This might sound easier said than done when you walk into a room full of naked bodies! If you find yourself stuck in your head for one reason or another, or are experiencing performance anxiety, that’s very normal. Try and bring your attention back to the physical sensations in your body. What are you noticing? What feels great? Remember to breathe! Remember that for penis owners, viagra is not a shameful or embarrassing option if it helps you stay present and in the moment on the night.
Go slowly
Check in with yourself as the night progresses. How are you feeling? What are you noticing in your body? If something comes up on the night and your immediate answer isn’t “Hell yes, I want that!”, consider saying “no” or “not this time”. You can always change your mind later, or organise another night. Don’t say “Yes” to everything for fear of ‘letting other people down’ or ‘not wanting to ruin the night’.
Enjoy - and don’t forget to pack lube!
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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