Exploring Sexual Fantasy
Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Sydney-based Somatic Sexologist and Sex & Intimacy Counsellor Alice Child explains common sexual kinks, how to explore your sexual fantasies, and how to talk to a partner about your fantasies and desires.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.
The brain is our biggest erotic organ - when the erotic mind and the erotic body are in sync, we can achieve the hottest sex of our lives.
Many people say the brain is our biggest erotic organ - when the erotic mind and the erotic body are in sync, we can achieve the hottest sex of our lives. It can also be very healing to get these needs and fantasies met - helping us understand ourselves (and our partner) more deeply.
Learning what we like, what we don’t like and what we are curious about sexually is a really healthy and fun part of sex and relationships. The more curious, communicative, and open-minded we are, the more pleasure and fantasies we can discover!
Plus - novelty and newness are HUGE aphrodisiacs for most people, meaning trying new things and exploring fantasies is great for keeping passion, arousal, desire and libido alive.
Please book in a session to explore your fantasies, kinks, erotic mind, or desires in more depth and in a safe space.
Is my sexual fantasy normal?
Many people worry about this, and the truth is human eroticism is broad and complex and your fantasy or kink might be much more common than you think.
Sexual fantasies often feel surprising, worrying or embarrassing. It might feel really different to what you usually enjoy or desire, or might be counter to your values. For example, I hear this a lot from feminist women who struggle with their desire to be sexually dominated by a man, and from people struggling with a specific kink.
But this is exactly what erotism allows us to do; step outside of our day-to-day roles and into the infinite possibility of our erotic playground! Relationship therapist Esther Perell says in her incredible book Mating in Captivity that “the erotic imagination has the force to override reason, convention and social barriers”, and it is a space where we can safely and joyfully experience our taboos”.
As long as it is shared between enthusiastically consenting and fully informed adults, and it isn’t negatively impacting your life, your mental / physical health /safety or your relationships in any way, there is no harm done.
What are the most common sexual fantasies and kinks
There are so many! Some common sexual fantasies, categories and themes are:
Feeling worshipped/ adored / needed / desired
Sex with a stranger
Sex with somebody we don't like in real life
Using sex toys / tools
New sexual acts/ positions - eg anal sex
Taboo / naughty / dirty sex
Primal / rough sex
Longing / Anticipation
Kink & BDSM sex
Rough sex / Consensual non-consent
Playing with power (eg taking it or surrendering it)
Public sex / exhibitionism / voyerism
Feet / Boots
Cuckholding / Denial
Humiliation / degradation
Leather / Bondage / Restriction
Lingerie / Hosiery
Playing with gender 'norms'
Sex with somebody with a different sex, sexuality or gender than you usually go for
Read my article all about understanding your erotic mind and the recipe for hot sex, and how to use it to bring more heat into your sex life.
Does having a sexual fantasy mean I want to do it?
Not always! Having a fantasy about something does not necessarily mean you want to do it in real life. Just because you have a fantasy about a particular person/thing/situation, doesn’t mean you’d enjoy it if it actually happened. The THOUGHT of being kidnapped by a boat full of sexy pirates is a LOT hotter than the reality!
That’s part of the joy of fantasy - it lets you explore the taboo, the unfamiliar, or the downright strange in the safety of your own erotic brain.
If you are struggling with a fantasy / kink, and you are not sure how to explore it (alone or with a partner) , please book in a session.
How do I discover my sexual fantasies and kinks?
Get a better sense of what you’re curious to try through solo exploration and mindful masturbation. After all, how will you know what to ask for if you haven’t explored it alone first?
Let your mind wander during masturbation or self pleasure instead of relying on visual stimulation eg porn. Turn yourself on with your own erotic mind and body. Some people like to write it down with erotic storytelling.
Afterwards, reflect. What was the fantasy? What was happening? What specifically was exciting about it for you?
Book in a session to request my sexual fantasies and kinks worksheet or have a chat about understanding and explaining your specific fantasies and kinks.
How do I turn a sexual fantasy into reality?
Before trying anything in real life it's a great idea to look up different sex positive educational resources, and follow me on instagram. This helps you remove any of the shame you may be feeling about your desires, but also gives you invaluable advice on consent, safety and healthy fantasy exploration.
For example, if you are curious about bringing toys into the bedroom, take time to do your research and find a toy that you think best suits your body, relationship and needs. (or book in a session for my personal recommendations and resources after years in this world!)
You might also realise there are some safety considerations that you might have overlooked. For example, a lot of people try choking or kink during sex for the first time because they saw it on porn without knowing the risks or how to do it safely. Or try a threesome for the first time without properly talking about everyones desires/boundaries beforehand. A recipe for disaster!
Depending on the fantasy you want to explore, it might be that you don’t know how to start bringing it to life (or even whether you want to!)
How to talk about a fantasy/kink with a partner
I get it - talking about sex is hard! Exploring our sexual fantasies (either alone or with partners) can feel really intimidating, awkward and vulnerable. But its really really important to talk about it and get enthusiastic consent FIRST, rather than just give it a go during sex and hoping for the best.
Here is some advice for how to keep exploring!
Tip 1: Do your yes/no/maybe list
Whether you’re in a relationship or single, a great way to uncover and reflect on new fantasies is by creating a “yes no maybe” list. - aka your sexual bucket list! This gives you lists to compare and is a GREAT way to start having the conversation without as much pressure/awkwardness.
If you want my yes/no/maybe list worksheet - please email me at email@example.com
Tip 2: Pick your moment
Find a time that feels comfortable, safe, and free from other distractions (you may need to book it in) to compare your lists or have a chat.
Avoid times of the day where either of you are tired, stressed, or distracted. Don't surprise them with it.
Tip 3: Focus on positives
Focusing on why this is important for you, what's hot for you, and the positives rather than the negatives. Remove any pressure. For example:
DO - "I love you so much and I love trying new things together. Our sex life is a really important part of how I feel connected to you. Can we have a chat soon about new ideas so that we can try some fun new things together?"
DO - "I had this really hot fantasy the other day where you XXXXX - What was so sexy was how in control you were. Zero pressure if you're not into that but do you think that would ever be something you'd be interested in talking about?
DO - "I've always had fantasy about having a threesome or seeing you have fun or flirt with another person but I'd only want to do it if you're also really into it to. I love the idea of sharing a wild experience like that together, but I also think I'd be really nervous if it actually happened. Have you ever thought about that?"
DON'T - Just try a new fantasy/kink during sex without asking
DON'T - Spring it on them without context - eg "Can we have a threesome?"
DON'T - Focus on the negatives -eg "Our sex life feels really boring, I want XXX"
Tip 4: Remove any pressure, judgement or expectation
The idea of these chats is pleasure, fun and connection, so remove any judgment or pressure from either side.
Remember some of their fantasies/desires might surprise you - and that’s all part of the process! Create a safe place for sharing these things with each other. Just because they/you have a fantasy does not mean you /they have to do it.
Give your partner as much information as possible about your fantasy so they can really understand. You may need to pause here so they can have some time to think about it or ask some questions.
Give them as much time as they need to decide if they are open to it or not. Pick something else to chat about if they are not sure.
Consent is always the number one priority for sexual happiness and exploration.
Tip 5: Pick something you BOTH want to try
Even if it was your / their fantasy first, never think about it as ‘doing this for the other person’ - that is NOT a sexy mindset, and will only add pressure/resentment if it doesn’t work. You’re a team - and you’re trying this new thing together.
Once you’ve found something you are both excited about, it’s time to give it a try!
Tip 6: Create safety and boundaries
If needed, create structures / boundaries for bringing this fantasy to life. For example, "I’m willing to try pegging if we agree to keep the conversation open, honest and constant throughout so that we are both really clear on how we’re feeling."
It can also be helpful to establish a safe word or use the traffic light system for your communication - red means stop, orange mean pause or slow down, and green means this is great
Tip 7: Always debrief
Whenever you give a new sexual fantasy or kink a go, ALWAYS make sure you do a debrief afterwards. This is how we learn more about our eroticism and how to make it even better next time!
What was hot? What was the highlight?
What didn’t work so well for you?
What did we learn?
Will we do this again? If so, what are we curious about next time?
I also have specific worksheets for Kink/BDSM and Ethical-Non Monogamy which go into more detail on these topics. If you’re curious, get in touch!
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.