Sexologist Answers 5 Questions Everyone Is Asking ChatGPT

Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist

Somatic Sexologist Alice Child answers 5 of the most common sex and intimacy questions that people ask ChatGPT and explains why you can't just get advice from a robot.

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.

ChatGPT can give general advice, but when it comes to sex, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer.

Here are 5 of the most common sex and intimacy questions that people ask ChatGPT - and why you can't just get advice from a robot!

What questions about sex do I get asked the most? Answers without the use of ChatGPT:

1. "How can I improve my sex life?"

This is a great example of a question that needs tailored support - not general advice! When it comes to sex, every person I work with has a unique cocktail of factors that impact their sex life, and sex therapists work with the person instead of dishing out cookie-cutter advice.

Mental health, relationships, upbringing and values, sex education, medical or physical factors, sexual history, and - of course - knowledge of their own erotic mind & body all play a part. Not to mention, what "good sex" means can look completely different for everyone!

For example, many people desperately need sex to slow down; needing more focus on building safety/trust, anticipation, discovering new sensations, sensuality, slower forms of foreplay and emotional connection. Other people desperately need the opposite; craving more excitement, passion, kink, surrender/dominance, and feeling wanted and desired.

ChatGPT highlights some relevant broad themes (e.g. open communication!), but there is so much missing. There is zero mention of consent, for example, or using masturbation to learn what you like.

Plus, much of its language could actually be harmful and add more pressure or anxiety. For example, it puts a lot of emphasis on 'improving performance' - my focus is always on improving pleasure.

While 'talking openly about your desires and boundaries' is good general advice, a lot of people don't know what they like or need in the bedroom - let alone how to ask for it. Sex therapists can meet you where you're at in your journey, and help you uncover your erotic potential at your own pace.

2. "What are some new things to try in bed to keep things exciting?”

ChatGPT has some great suggestions, but it fails to dive deeper into what's often at the heart of this question.

If things no longer feel 'exciting', or sex feels routine, boring, or like a chore, I am usually talking to a couple in a long-term relationship. There are many themes I see in these couples that will not be 'fixed' from simply exploring each other's bodies with a feather. It's often about mindset, context and headspace.

For example, mismatched libido (where one person constantly seems to have a higher desire for sex than the other person in the relationship) can lead to a lot of tension, pressure, and disconnection in a relationship. Over the years, this can lead to sex getting more and more routine, less explorative, and less pleasurable. Helping these couples find a fun, connected, communicative middle ground is always the first step to getting them out of their sexual rut.

3. “What are the best ways to increase libido naturally?”

There are so many factors that impact your libido, and it is also different from person to person.

Although there are lots of physical factors that can contribute (e.g. hormonal fluctuations, menopause, pregnancy, medications, contraception, diet, iron levels, etc), most of the clients I work with are most impacted by their emotional, mental and lifestyle factors. The good news is that these are within our control!

Sex Educator, Emily Nagoski, in her best-selling book 'Come As You Are', explains the Dual Control Model for sex drive, explaining that libido is influenced by your personal ‘brakes’ and ‘accelerators’.

When more accelerators (turn-ons) are present than ‘brakes’ (turn-offs), sexual desire can flourish. But when we find ourselves surrounded by our own personal sexual brakes, it makes sense that we experience a low sex drive. It's why so many people have great sex on holiday - but not at home.

When people tell me they have a low or even non-existent libido, and I ask them 'What turns you on?' they often feel lost for words. They feel so surrounded by their 'brakes' (stress, pressure, tiredness, low confidence, etc.) that they feel very disconnected from any potential accelerators.

When it comes to naturally boosting your libido, I start outside of the bedroom. I encourage people to think about times in their lives where they felt most confidently, authentically, happily themselves, and think about what was going on during that time of their life. We reflect on lifestyle factors (e.g. where you're living, what you're doing, who you're spending time with, how you're moving your body/exercising, diet etc), mental & emotional factors (e.g. mental health, self confidence, body image, how fulfilled you feel), and physical factors (e.g. physical health, sleep, medication, etc). I also get them to reflect on times they DID enjoy sex and were turned on, and help them journal about what is exciting for them.

We also do the opposite - helping them identify core breaks and potential strategies to work through those.

I also encourage people to start a daily pleasure practice, to help them get back in touch with their accelerators and back in touch with their bodies. This can be as simple as a bubble bath, a daily walk, or listening to high-energy music.

4. “Is my sexual preference or fantasy normal?”

Yes! Human sexuality is broad and diverse, and there is no such thing as 'normal'. The fact that this is such a common question shows how much silence, shame, stigma and taboo still surround sex and pleasure.

Many people worry about this, and the truth is, human eroticism is broad and complex, and your fantasy or kink is probably much more common than you think.

Sexual fantasies often feel surprising, worrying or embarrassing. It may feel quite different from what you usually enjoy or desire, or it may be counter to your values. For example, I hear this a lot from feminist women who struggle with their desire to be sexually dominated by a man, and from people struggling with a specific kink.

But this is exactly what erotism allows us to do; step outside of our day-to-day roles and into the infinite possibility of our erotic playground! Relationship therapist, Esther Perel, says in her incredible book ‘Mating in Captivity’ that “the erotic imagination has the force to override reason, convention and social barriers”, and it is a space "where we can safely and joyfully experience our taboos”.

As long as it is shared between enthusiastically consenting and fully informed adults, and it isn’t negatively impacting your life, mental health/physical health, safety, or your relationships in any way, there is no harm done.

What I hate about ChatGPT's answer is that it doesn't differentiate between a fantasy and a 'real-life' sexual preference. This is so important.

In real life, sexual exploration, everything goes as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual. It can be very exciting to 'act out' all sorts of 'taboo' experiences (for example, during role play), as long as you do it safely - for example, with a pre-agreed safe word and where you are clear on your limits and boundaries. This is a really fun and erotic way to explore fantasies and kinks safely.

Having a fantasy about something does not necessarily mean you'll enjoy it in real life - and that's ok! Just because you have a fantasy about a particular person/thing/situation, doesn’t mean you’d enjoy it if it actually happened. The THOUGHT of being kidnapped by a boat full of sexy pirates is a LOT hotter than the reality!

That’s part of the joy of fantasy - it lets you explore the taboo, the unfamiliar, or the downright strange in the safety of your own erotic brain.

For example, ChatGPT's answer says that fantasising about 'non-consensual' sex (for example, having a stranger come through your window and have sex with you) is a problem. It's not. And it's actually extremely common. I hate that it could be contributing to more shame and misinformation.

5. “How can I build more emotional and physical intimacy in my relationship?”

Foreplay is your whole relationship! It's why one of the first things I talk about with many couples is their 'love languages' - helping them understand what they each need to feel emotionally and physically connected outside of the bedroom - every single day. It will be different for each of you, so learning how to speak each other's love languages can be life-changing.

Don’t just wait until you’re having or just about to have sex to connect erotically, because then you will never want to. Desire and arousal require the right headspace and context to build. Instead of seeing desire like a light switch (either on or off), see it like a dimmer switch. It takes time to turn up.

So show each other you desire each other every day, even when you're not initiating sex - that is when erotic energy builds. For example, when was the last time you had a proper, 6-second kiss without it leading to sex?

Remember, great intimacy doesn't have to be spontaneous. If we don‘t schedule intimacy, it often doesn't happen. Especially when life gets so busy (kids, work, health, etc). Make your pleasure (and your relationship) a priority, and schedule time for meaningful connection.

Best,

Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.