Overcome Sexual Shame: A Sexologist's Guide to Sexual Liberation

Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist 

Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explores sexual shame, and how to feel more liberated when it comes to your sexual needs and desires.

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session. 

"Shame thrives in silence, but the more we talk, explore, and challenge outdated beliefs, the freer we become. Let’s reshape the conversation—starting with ourselves."

What is sexual shame?

Despite progress in more open conversations around sex, bodies and sexuality, we still live in a conservative society where shame around our desires and sexual expression is pervasive. Most of us have been conditioned to feel some degree of discomfort, awkwardness or guilt about sex and pleasure, often without even realising it.

Sexual shame can show up in a variety of ways, including:

• Difficulty or discomfort talking about sex, bodies or pleasure

• Difficulty 'letting go' or experiencing pleasure during sex

• Low libido or not wanting sex

• Disassociating during sex / not staying present

• Body image shame or difficulty being naked

• Feeling guilt or shame about sexual needs, fantasies or desires

• Viewing sex as 'for the other person' or sex feeling like a chore

• Shame with masturbation or self pleasure

• Crying after sex

• Thinking 'sex' is a dirty word

• Not feeling 'good enough' for sex and pleasure

• Feeling your desires and needs are 'too much'

• Struggling to receive pleasure

• Sexual dysfunction - eg pain,struggling to orgasm, erectile struggles etc.

If you need support - please book in a session. You deserve shame-free pleasure!

Why do we feel shame about sex?

Our views about sex are shaped from a young age. Influenced by how we are raised, the cultural values we are taught, the media we are exposed to, the experiences we have had, and the beliefs and teachings of our care givers, communities, and peers.

Many people grow up in environments—schools, religious communities, or even family settings—where sexuality is framed as something to be hidden or controlled. This lack of open conversation leads to disconnection from one’s body and desires, creating barriers to healthy and fulfilling sexual experiences.

Even for those lucky enough to be raised in liberal households where conversations about sex and bodies felt comfortable, shame-free and open, most people are exposed to some degree of sexual shame.

For example, one uncomfortable experience where a parent accidently walked in on on a boy masturbating can leave him feeling that self pleasure is secretive, dirty and shameful. This has the power to negatively impact his sex life, mental health, porn habits and behaviors in a romantic relationships - even decades later.

A nasty and misinformed (and incorrect!) comment about 'sluts having loose vaginas' at high school has the potential power to haunt a woman's sexual confidence and uninhibited sexual self expression for a lifetime. Making it increasingly harder for her to experience pleasure and talk openly about her sexual needs and desires.

What we unconsciously learn from the media that we consume is also insidious. Films, porn, and social media are filled with misinformation and sex-negative depictions of sex, pleasure and bodies. In the absence of sex-positive, inclusive, and science-backed sex education, we pick up views, believes and behaviors from what we are exposed to.

These become our 'norm', and it's why so many of my clients carry shame about their sex and body. They ask me; "am I normal?"

Who experiences sexual shame?

Sexual shame is a deeply ingrained issue that affects everyone. Sexual and body shame is something I observe in the majority of my clients; regardless of age, gender, cultural background, religious beliefs or sexuality.

That said, a long history of repression and inequality has made sexual shame more pervasive in certain communities and groups, in particular:

• LGBTQIA+ communities - In 2024, only 34 countries have legalised same-s** marriage. Many LGBTQIA+ individuals still face discrimination, fear, and/or community rejection. Even in accepting spaces, sexuality and gender exploration can trigger self-doubt, mental health, and identity struggles.

• Women - Female sexual pleasure, anatomical knowledge, and female sexual health research have all been repeatedly repressed, under-funded and stigmatized over history. The impact of this is still felt.

• Cultural and religious communities and believes - Certain cultural and/or religious communities teach and promote sex-negative believes which can have a lasting a impact on the ability for individuals to have a happy and healthy relationship with sex and pleasure. For example teaching that sex and pleasure is a sin, 'purity culture', no sex before marriage, arranged marriages, lack of contraception, etc.

• Sex workers - Certain professions receive a huge amount of stigma in our society, even in countries where sex work is legal and consensual

• People living with disability - Disabled people are often infantilized and desexualized in our society, instead of being seen as adults with their own sexual needs and desires

• Kinky people - while everyone has the ability to feel shame about their erotic desires and fantasies, it is even more common for people whose desires feel 'outside of the norm'. For example, I hear this a lot from people struggling with a specific kink. 

Sexual Shame for Women

This International Woman's Day, I also want to take a moment to talk specifically to female sexual shame. Here are few key observations I've had over the years, that make sexual liberation more challenging for women:

1. Trauma, abuse and sexual violence

Woman are statistically more likely to be the victims of sexual violence, assault, abuse and trauma, forced to experience sexual encounters without their consent - often at a young age.

These experiences can have lasting physical, mental, emotional, sexual and relational impacts. Tragically, these women often internalise these experiences or blame themselves, suppressing or repressing their sexual desires as a defense strategy from further pain and harm.

If you need tailored support, please book in a session.

2. Slut shaming

There are different gendered societal expectations around sexual behavior. For example, women are often judged more harshly for engaging in behaviours perceived as "slutty"—a term that has been historically used to police and control female sexuality.

The double standard remains strong: while men may be praised for their number of sexual partners, women are more likely to be shamed for theirs.

3. Lack of research into female sexual health

Female sexual anatomy, female sexual health and female health generally has been widely under-funded and deprioritized throughout history. For example, the full size, shape and 3d anatomy of the clitoris was only published in 2009!

This means even medical professionals can lack basic knowledge and understanding of female sexual health, orgasms and pleasure.

It is also a key contributor to the orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships.

4. People pleasing and social conditioning

Many girls are taught from a young age to be amenable, polite and friendly, which can turn into 'people pleasing' tendencies. And people pleasing can be very destructive in the bedroom.

As a result, many women struggle with:

• saying 'no' to sexual experiences they don't want

• being honest when they aren't "in the mood"

• receiving pleasure without getting in their head

• staying present and in the moment

• asking for what they want from partners

• knowing what they like/need

• generally struggling to find their voice

• faking pleasure

This can lead to resentment, broken consent, disconnection, inauthentic experiences, and even a belief that sex is a 'duty' they need to perform for their partner, rather than something they do for their own pleasure.

This is often when sex starts to feel like a chore - because it's no longer about mutual pleasure and connection.

5. Lack of sexual exploration and communication

Many women hold back from speaking openly with friends, partners, or even themselves about their fantasies and preferences for fear of judgment. As a result, they may avoid exploring aspects of their sexuality that genuinely excite them.

This is especially true for certain types of sexual experiences which are stigmatized. For example, I hear this a lot from women who identify as feminists and who struggle with their kinks that seemingly undermine their feminist values- such as their desire to be sexually dominated by a man.

6. Self pleasure as taboo

Despite being a natural and healthy aspect of sexuality, many women still feel uncomfortable exploring their own pleasure. Cultural narratives have long suggested that masturbation is more 'acceptable' for men, leaving women without the same encouragement to understand and learn their own bodies.

7. Body image 

The unrealistic beauty standards perpetuated by media shape the way we perceive ourselves and our worth in sexual relationships. Shame around one’s body can lead to avoidance of intimacy, reluctance to express desire, and an overall diminished sense of self-confidence in sexual settings.

Learning to embrace one’s body as it is—rather than as society dictates it should be—is a powerful step toward sexual liberation.

How to overcome sexual shame?

Shame, awkwardness, embarrassment and guilt are strong emotions that provoke a strong physical feeling of discomfort and dysregulation in the body. These are not emotions that can be simply 'unlearnt' overnight.

It's why I take a somatic approach to when I work with clients who wish to overcome sexual shame. It's not just about talking about it. I help people get a felt-sense of how shame shows up in their body in order to start working through it.

Remember sex is a normal, healthy, part of life, that has proven physical, mental, emotional and neurological health benefits. Sexually happy people are happier people. And sexual liberation is the ultimate form of self liberation.

When we start to slowly unravel and unlearn believes that do not serve us, it can help us step into a more sexually liberated, empowered version of ourselves.

Breaking free from sexual shame is a journey, but it is entirely possible. Here are some steps to start unlearning shame and embracing sexual liberation:

1. Educate Yourself – Read books, listen to podcasts, and engage with sex-positive content that normalises open conversations about sexuality.

2. Surround Yourself with Supportive Voices – Follow sex educators and body-positive influencers who challenge societal norms and encourage sexual empowerment.

3. Seek Professional Guidance – Working with a sexologist or therapist can help unpack deep-seated shame and provide a safe space to explore your desires.

4. Engage in Open Conversations – Talking openly with trusted friends or partners about sexuality helps normalise these discussions and reduces stigma.

5. Embrace Self-Pleasure – Masturbation is a natural and essential part of self-discovery. Exploring your own body can help you build confidence and understand what brings you pleasure.

6. Reject Toxic Beauty Standards – Recognize that the media’s portrayal of the "ideal body" is unrealistic. Your body is worthy of love and pleasure as it is.

7. Examine Your Own Internal Biases – Our own judgments and biases influence how we perceive sex and other people's sexuality. To break down sexual shame, we must start with our internal dialogue and how we think about sex.

   • Catch yourself and call yourself out if you have thoughts that reinforce shame.

   • Recognize that sexual shame is often deeply ingrained and unconscious—becoming aware of shaming language and judgment you place on yourself and others is crucial.

   • If you find yourself judging someone, stop the thought and reframe it.

   For example:

   • Instead of thinking, "Wow, that top is very revealing…" shift your perspective to, "Wow, good on them for having the confidence to pull that top off!"

   • Turn physical judgments into powerful compliments about confidence, self-expression, and individuality.

Cultivating a Sex-Positive Mindset

1. Challenge Cultural Narratives – Recognise the messages you’ve internalised about sex and actively challenge those that don’t serve you.

2. Celebrate Diversity in Sexuality – Understand that there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to pleasure and intimacy.

3. Support Others in Their Journey – Be mindful of how you talk about sex and other people's choices. Encourage and uplift rather than judge.

4. Take Ownership of Your Sexual Well-being – Prioritise your pleasure, communicate openly, and engage in self-care practices that make you feel empowered.

5. Encourage Comprehensive Sex Education – Advocate for more inclusive and accurate sex education that empowers people to explore sexuality in a healthy way.

A Personal Journey to Unlearning Shame

Unlearning sexual shame is not an overnight process—it’s a deeply personal and often nonlinear journey. It begins with small moments of awareness: catching yourself feeling embarrassed about a desire, hesitating before voicing a need, or battling self-conscious thoughts during intimacy. Many of us have spent years internalising these messages, so dismantling them requires patience and self-compassion.

For some, this journey might involve redefining their relationship with self-pleasure, allowing themselves to embrace curiosity without guilt. For others, it could be about reclaiming confidence in their bodies, refusing to let societal expectations dictate how they move, dress, or express desire.

Along the way, setbacks will happen—old insecurities may resurface, and discomfort may arise—but each step toward self-acceptance is a victory. The goal is not to be "perfectly" liberated but to grant ourselves permission to experience sexuality on our own terms, free from shame and full of joy.

Final Thoughts

Sexual liberation starts with rejecting the shame that has been imposed on us. As long as sex is safe and consensual, there is no "right" or "wrong" way to experience it. The taboos surrounding sexuality exist because society created them—but they do not have to define your relationship with your body and desires.

By embracing openness, education, and self-acceptance, we can all move toward a more liberated, fulfilling sexual experience.

Best,

Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.