How Men can Use a Stroker in Mindful Masturbation
- MC
- Nov 19
- 9 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains mindful masturbation and how using a stroker can help men improve their sex life.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.
Mindful masturbation helps you break unhelpful habits, learn new neural pathways, and become a better lover!
Why do I get stuck in my head during sex?
Today, we live in a time where many of us are stuck in our mental world instead of listening to our bodies. There’s an inherent disconnect between what the body is experiencing and our ability to feel it.
This isn't helped by using porn during self pleasure - when we watch porn, we are so focused on what we can see, we forget to notice what we can feel.
It’s for this reason that so many men struggle to stay ‘in the moment’ during sex. They might find sex ‘boring’, ‘predictable’, or struggle with issues like performance anxiety, reduced sensation, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, erectile difficulties or mental distractions.
What are common distractions during sex?
Common distractions include worrying about how you’re performing, what you look like, what your partner is thinking, or whether you’ll be able to orgasm, stay hard, or orgasm too quickly.
Performance anxiety often makes men hyper-focused on thoughts like, “Will I come too fast?”, “Can I stay hard?”, or "Am I doing this right?", which can make it almost impossible to enjoy the moment.
You might find your thoughts wandering - thinking about something else entirely! These are what are known as your 'sexual brakes' or your 'core erotic distractions'.
What is mindful masturbation?
Mindful masturbation is a type of self-pleasure where we deliberately pay attention to what we are feeling physically within our body, instead of focusing on our inner thoughts, fantasies or distractions.
Instead of using masturbation as a form of ‘quick release’ following the same old script, mindful masturbation is all about noticing and learning new ways to build pleasure within your body. It may sound crazy, but when we remove the goal of orgasm we learn so much more.
Why can masturbation feel boring?
Most of us learn fairly early in life what our body needs sexually. Through trial and error we find out what works, and then stick to it. Over time, most people fall into habitual masturbation patterns — using the same grip, speed, porn and fantasy.
These sexual habits form pathways in our nervous system that become more and more embedded. This is what is known as ‘myelination’. Myelination allows more rapid transmission of neural information along neural fibers. When it comes to sex, this means we can build pleasure and orgasm more quickly and more easily when we use our tried and tested sexual habits.
This all sounds great - so what’s the problem?!
It gets boring - Although these pathways can be useful, over time we may fall into sexual ruts, and not feel as much pleasure as we used to. People might start experiencing sexual boredom, reduced sensation, difficulty building arousal, and erection difficulties.
Worse sex with partners - You also might find it increasingly difficult to build pleasure and arousal in other contexts, such as with a partner, or in different sexual positions or activities. You might orgasm really quickly (premature ejaculation) with a partner -because quick release is all your body has been trained to do. Or the opposite - you might feel you are unable to reach orgasm without porn, or you struggle to get or maintain an erection with a partner.
The reality is you might have never taught their body how to!
What are the benefits of mindful masturbation?
Sexual benefits;
Last longer in bed and stay hard - Many common sexual concerns like erectile difficulties, premature ejaculation or delayed orgasm can be improved through mindful masturbation. Mindful practice using a stroker trains your body to learn new tricks - like how to delay ejaculation, get out of your head, and extend the pleasure.
Increased pleasure, libido, orgasmicity and sensation - Mindful masturbation teaches us new pleasure pathways. Practising regularly can lead to increased libido, increased sensation, arousal/desire and stronger and more reliable orgasms.
Less pressure - By removing the goal of orgasm, you are also removing the performance pressure many people feel during sex and self-pleasure.
Less reliance on porn and fantasy - Focusing on your body’s sensations helps you stay present and build arousal without relying on porn or fantasy. Instead of the instant dopamine hit from porn, you learn to connect with your body’s natural arousal and pleasure — a much more grounded and embodied experience.
Orgasm in new ways - Through practice and curiosity, we can also learn new forms of pleasure we didn’t know we were capable of. Multiple orgasms, whole-body orgasms, breath-orgasms, prostate orgasms, and much more!
New pleasure zones - We can discover incredible new erogenous zones on our body that were previously ignored, such as our ears, hips, inner thighs, ribcage, neck, or even the back of our knees.
More sensation - Many people feel ‘desensitised’ or 'numb' in certain places, and can find it hard to stay present with the sensations they are experiencing. Mindful masturbation helps us reconnect with our body and can even fire the nerve endings back up.
Less distracted during sex and intimacy - If you struggle with staying present, mindful masturbation can help you quieten your mind and stay more present and in the moment.
Mental health benefits;
Our mental, physical and sexual health are all interlinked. When we are having better sex (with others and ourselves), we become healthier, happier, and more connected. The mental health benefits can include:
Reduced stress, anxiety and depression
Improved self-esteem and self-confidence
Increased confidence in sexual performance
Stronger connection between your mind and body
Increased feelings of intimacy and connection to those around us
Physical Health Benefits;
Sexual pleasure activates a variety of neurotransmitters, hormones and chemicals that impact not only our brains, but many other organs in our bodies. The physical health benefits can include:
Lower blood pressure
Better immune system
Reduced pain
Better sleep and relaxation
Improved gut health
Enhanced blood flow and erectile health
What is a stroker?
My number one tip for men who are wanting to explore Mindful Masturbation is to purchase something called a stroker.
A stroker is a soft, sleeve-like sex toy designed to fit over the penis. It’s typically used with lubricant to create smooth, realistic sensations that mimic the feeling of oral or penetrative sex.
Using a stroker isn’t just a masturbation aid—it’s a tool for sexual confidence, mindfulness, and pleasure. Think of it like personal training - but for sex!
Whether you’re looking to reduce anxiety, improve your performance, or just enjoy your body more, here are the 10 benefits of using a stroker.
To buy your own - check out the Love Glove on our online store!
How to try mindful masturbation with a stroker?
A stroker can make mindful masturbation more immersive by helping you slow down and tune into every sensation you’re feeling. Here are some ways to try mindful masturbation with a stroker:
Remove the goal of orgasm - The first and most important thing is removing the goal of orgasm. Instead, set the intention before any mindful masturbation or self-pleasure practice of curiosity and pleasure. Try and enjoy the journey - not the destination! Self pleasure does not always need to end in ejaculation or orgasm.
Carve out daily time - Just like you have to set aside time for your daily workout, you have to do the same for your sexual wellness and pleasure. Try and schedule time every day for some kind of mindful self pleasure - even if it’s just a hot shower, a self-massage or feeling the sun on your face. The more we prioritise and enjoy pleasure, the more long-term benefits we will feel.
Set the scene - Think of all the things that make you feel sexier, more present, and more connected to your pleasure, and bring them into your space. Whether that’s candles, a great lubricant, your stroker, some visual stimulus (but don't use porn every time!), or a certain playlist - create a space and a mindset that makes you feel safe, sexy, and connected to your pleasure. Then do the opposite and identify what makes you feel distracted or disconnected during sex. Do what you can to reduce them in your space - for example, you might turn off your phone or lock the door.
Explore your whole body - Don’t go straight to genital touch, explore other erogenous zones and see what you discover! Slide & Melt, my body-safe massage oil and candle, is perfect for this! It helps you slow down, relax, and connect with all five senses.
Use lube - Add a generous amount of lube inside the stroker to reduce friction and heighten sensation. The wetter and smoother it feels, the easier it is to relax and tune in to the pleasure.
Start slow - If it’s your first time using a stroker, it might feel a little awkward at first — that’s completely normal! Take it slow and gentle as you explore what feels good. Start by gliding the stroker over the head of the penis and down the shaft, focusing on the sensations that feel good for you.
Placement of awareness - Notice where your mind is focused. If you find your mind wandering, gently and without judgment bring your awareness back to what you are noticing physically within your body. What are you noticing? What might make it feel even better? If you're struggling, let your mind wander to erotic fantasies that help you get aroused, but keep coming back to the physical sensations
Use your breath - Breath is one of the most powerful tools we have in regulating arousal and pleasure in the body. If you notice yourself holding your breath, or taking small, shallow breaths, try deepening and lengthening your breath and see how this changes what you are noticing in your body.
Add some movement - If one of your sexual habits is staying in still positions (such as lying or sitting down), try and incorporate some movement or new positions to your practices. Gentle tilts of the pelvis in time with your breath, clenching and releasing your pelvic floor muscles, and shaking your entire body are all good things to try as you build arousal. You could also try new positions such as standing up, kneeling upright, or kneeling on hands and knees.
Change up your touch - If you notice yourself falling into sexual habits during masturbation and self-touch, experiment with new ways of touch. Play around with different strokes, speeds, pressures, grips, and body positions. Explore not just the shaft, but also the head, frenulum, perineum, and pelvis — areas that can hold incredible sensitivity.
You can try experimenting with:
Twisting and turning the stroker as you move it up and down
Short, quick strokes focused around the head
Slow, drawn-out strokes along the full length
Alternating between a soft and firm grip on the stroker
Try edging - Edging is when you bring yourself close to orgasm, then purposefully back off or slow down before you climax. You can repeat this as many times as you like. Edging is a great way to help you last longer and manage concerns such as premature ejaculation, erection difficulties and even delayed ejaculation during partnered sex. This is because it helps you learn how to feel more in control of your arousal and ejaculation.
Make some noise - Many people learnt to masturbate quietly as a way to keep what they were doing private from unsuspecting family members or housemates. Intentionally or not, staying silent limits our capacity to really relax and enjoy different sensations. It can also reinforce sexual shame. Practice making different noises during your self-pleasure practice, and see how that changes what you experience. Sigh, moan, roar, laugh, hum, scream - do whatever feels good for you!
Finish with stillness - Take 1-2 minutes at the end of every session just to relax and be still. What did you learn? What are you noticing in your body? What might you be curious to try next time?
Don't forget to clean your stoker afterwards - turn it inside out and wash it with soap and warm water. Leave it to air dry or dry it with paper towel, and spray it with a toy cleaning spray if you have one. Store it in the Love Glove Tin between uses.
Using a stroker for mindful masturbation isn’t about “getting off” — it’s about tuning into your body, reconnecting with sensation, and building erotic confidence.
With regular practice, you’ll likely notice improved control, feeling more present & confident, stronger erections, and more satisfying orgasms — both alone and with a partner.
For tailored support and advice, book in a session with me!
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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