The Simmer: Keeping Desire Alive in Long-Term Relationships
- MC
- Oct 15
- 7 min read
Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains the "simmer" in relationships, and why it's so important for sustaining a great sex life.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.
The "simmer" starts outside the bedroom; it's the middle ground between emotional and erotic connection. It’s how we keep desire alive.
What is the simmer?
The simmer is a term I came up with to describe that low, steady thread of attraction and desire you can sometimes feel between two people in a relationship.
It doesn’t necessarily lead to sex—in fact, often it doesn’t—but it’s that underlying feeling where both partners feel desired and wanted every single day. This is different to feeling just loved and respected like friends, co-parents or flatmates.
The simmer is what keeps the erotic connection alive, especially in long-term relationships.
What creates the 'simmer'
What creates the simmer is different for every couple, but according to a study of 70,000 people in the book 'The Normal Bar', here are 8 things that couples who have a great sex life have in common:
They say I love you to their partner everyday and mean it
They buy each other surprise romantic gifts and learn each others love languages
They compliment their partner often to help nurture attraction
They prioritise and plan romantic vacations
They give intimate touch without it leading to sex - eg massages, backrubs
They kiss passionately for no reason at all (85% of people who love their sex life also kiss passionately)
They publicly show affection (eg holding hands, caressing)
They cuddle one another every single day (only 6% of the non-cuddlers has a great sex life!)
They plan a romantic or intimate date night once a week, including things like dinners out, dressing up, having sex, or playing sex and intimacy games
They agree sex is a priority and talk it about it comfortably
They are open to a variety of sexual experiences and know each other's sexual bucket lists
They turn towards bids for connection
Why the simmer matters
And here’s why it matters: it’s a lot harder for couples to initiate sex and trigger their desire for sex from “cold water'' - for so many different reasons. If the simmer is already there, it’s much easier for both people to turn up the heat when they want to.
For many people, especially those with ‘responsive desire’ or lower libido, sexual interest doesn’t just switch on spontaneously. It takes time, context, emotional connection, and the right headspace. That simmer often begins hours before sex, and most importantly, outside the bedroom.
People with responsive desire say things like:
"I can't just flick the switch and get turned on. When there is too much going on in my head it feels like I have zero sex drive. In order for sex to feel possible, I first need to feel relaxed, connected with my partner, and know that there is no pressure"
This is also why it's so helpful to learn each other's initiation styles and love languages - because foreplay is your whole relationship!
The simmer also takes the pressure off sex and initiation. A lot of couples I see have slipped into ‘avoidance mode’ around sexual intimacy. This ripples out into avoiding the 'simmer' and things that don't even lead to sex (like a passionate kiss, a sexy compliment or a flirtatious text).
This is particularly true for couples with mismatched libido. The person with the higher libido stops initiating 'the simmer' due to fear of rejection, low confidence or not wanting to "add pressure".
From the higher sex drive partner, I often hear things like:
"I don't feel loved or wanted. I have run out of ideas for what might turn them on so I've stopped trying. I fear rejection all the time, and it makes putting myself out there feel really painful. I have lost a lot of my sexual confidence"
The person with the lower libido also stops initiating the simmer because they don't want to 'lead their partner on' or 'put out an energy they can't follow through with.'
Whatever the reason, avoiding sex and the simmer often has a ripple effect: passionate kisses fade, naked cuddles or showers together stop happening, and non-sexual touches or flirty language with erotic undertones get avoided.
Both partners can end up pulling back—one doesn’t want to send the “wrong” message, and the other doesn’t want to risk rejection. Over time, this avoidance doesn’t just shrink the erotic space, it erodes emotional intimacy too.
Playfulness, deep conversations, affection, fun, and even small bids for connection all start to disappear.
Building back the simmer: Bids for connection
When I talk about the simmer, I often work backward with couples—starting with emotional intimacy, trust building and small bids for connection.
The Gottman Institute explains that trust is built through these everyday bids, which can be as simple as a bid for attention—like saying, “Look how beautiful the sky is tonight!”
When our partner puts out a 'bid', we can choose to:
Turn towards the bid - e.g "Yeah it's beautiful!"
Be Neutral - e.g say nothing
Turn away form the bid - e.g "Can't you see I'm busy?''
According to research, couples who 'turn towards' bids at least 80% of the time have much happier and more fulfilling relationships and intimacy. Couples who divorce after 6 years of marriage are only responding positively to about 30% of bids.
And this makes a lot of sense to me - if we can't even trust our partner to respond positively to a simple bid for conversation, no wonder it feels so scary to initiate something as vulnerable as sex.
If couples start with the smaller, easier bids, such as bids for conversation, sharing humour, solving a problem together, or spending quality time, they gradually rebuild this confidence, connection and trust.
Building back the simmer: Love languages
I also recommend couples learn each other's love languages—the ways we like to give and receive love. We start this outside the bedroom. Whether that’s physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, or gifts, tuning in to each other’s love languages helps those bids feel more meaningful and genuine. It builds emotional safety and a sense of being seen and desired, laying the foundation for the simmer to grow.
As that comfort grows, they can move toward more vulnerable bids—like a passionate 6-second kiss, nude cuddling, or showering together. These moments invite vulnerability and openness, helping partners express what they want, build trust, rebuild confidence, and remove any pressure for it needing to lead to sex.
Building back the simmer: The 6 second kiss
One practice that helps reignite that spark is the ‘six-second kiss’, an idea from the Gottman Institute. Kissing your partner for six seconds releases oxytocin and lowers cortisol (the stress hormone), creating a sense of safety, connection and bonding. It’s also long enough to slow down, feel each other’s presence, and connect beyond a quick peck.
These small moments of connection don't always lead to sex— and this is important. Instead, they keep desire alive by maintaining that gentle simmer between you without heaviness or pressure. It also allows couples who have been avoiding sex to reconnect, feel desired and wanted again, and rebuild intimacy without it having to be about performance, penetration, orgasm or frequency.
Quality over quantity
When couples start to feel the simmer return, it often has a huge impact on their confidence and how satisfied they’re feeling. I often hear couples say something like:
“When we first came to work with you, we thought it was all about how much sex we were having. But now we’ve realised that it’s not about a magic number or how many times a week we have sex. It’s about the quality of the erotic connection we share. Some weeks we don’t have sex at all, and that’s okay, because the simmer is there. I no longer feel unloved or undesired when we haven't had sex, and she no longer feels guilty”
When the simmer is alive, couples feel desired, connected, and confident in their intimacy without needing to measure it.
Foreplay is the whole relationship
Keeping that simmer alive also means understanding that foreplay isn’t just something that happens right before sex; it’s the whole relationship. A connection alone isn’t enough; we need daily intimacy to build chemistry, attraction, and desire.
It’s the way you greet each other in the morning, share jokes, show affection, and make space for closeness in everyday moments. Every time you reach out to your partner, listen, flirt, or laugh together, you’re tending to that simmer. These small, consistent rituals for connection keep the erotic connection alive, turning ordinary moments into quiet acts of foreplay that sustain long-term desire.
The simmer as a middle ground
For many couples, desire and connection don’t always show up at the same time or in the same way. One partner might need an emotional connection to come before an erotic connection can build, while for the other, a sexual or erotic connection might be how they feel most connected.
The simmer provides a middle ground where both can meet. It’s the space where emotional and erotic intimacy overlap — where it creates a bridge between “I want to feel close to you” and “I want you.”
When couples focus on building the simmer, they take the pressure off sex and start enjoying being close again. It’s less about performance and more about being present and connected. Even when life feels busy or stressful, they can still access that spark of attraction and desire.
That’s why I always come back to the simmer. It’s not about how often you have sex, but about keeping that slow, steady spark of attraction and intimacy alive. When couples focus on that, sex becomes less about ticking a box and more about a genuine connection.
If this sounds familiar and you’d like some tailored support and advice in rebuilding the simmer in your relationship, book in a session with me!
You can also check out my worksheet - 30 days of love rituals - a great challenge for bringing back the simmer.
My online collection of intimacy games and date nights Pillow Play has also been created with these couples at heart - play along at home here.
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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