5 Things Not to Say During Sex: Communication Horrors That Could Scare off Your Partner

Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist

Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains common communication horrors and why they aren't helpful.

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.

Here are 5 communication horrors to avoid

1. "You'll give me blue balls"

   
   

   I get so angry about blue balls because they have become a socially acceptable way to shame or guilt people into sexual intimacy - even when they don’t want to. This is not consensual.

   
   

   "Blue balls," which is just slang for epididymal hypertension, has led many people to genuinely believe that it’s dangerous. But it’s not! If a penis owner has been highly aroused for a long period of time without ejaculation, they might experience some mild discomfort in their testicles. If the discomfort and sexual frustration is so bad, they are perfectly capable of self-pleasuring. Their partner is not responsible for their pleasure.

   
   

   While I understand that it can be a bit sexually frustrating or disappointing when a partner has different desires or needs than our own, it should NEVER EVER be used as a way to guilt, coerce or manipulate somebody into sex or intimacy. It also creates a really unhealthy relationship with pleasure. Everyone is responsible for their own pleasure, not your partner or anyone else.

   
   

   It's time to stop using blue balls as an excuse!

   
   
   
   

2. "Just finish already / when are you going to finish?"

   Our society puts so much pressure on the idea that good sex has to involve "making people orgasm," which gets a lot of people stuck in their heads. It stops them from being able to enjoy the journey, not the destination.

   
   

   Although it might be coming from a good place of wanting them to experience pleasure, asking when your partner will orgasm often just piles on the pressure. This performance pressure happens to both men and women. 

   
   

   Instead, you could say something like:

   • How could this feel even better for you?

   • Do you want to keep doing this or change positions/switch this up?

   • Show me what you like

   • Would you like to grab a toy?

     
     

   It might sound counterintuitive, but when we remove the goal of orgasm and instead make pleasure your goal it helps remove the frustration and pressure you might be putting on yourself (or your partner) and instead allow you to focus on what is feeling good. Sex should be about pleasure and connection!

   
   

   Need some more ideas? Download Pillow Play, my online games and courses for couples or book a session for tailored advice and support for you!

   
   

3. "Why aren't you wet / why aren't you hard?"

   Sometimes we can be very turned on and our body doesn’t respond the way we want it to. Arousal takes time to build and sometimes it doesn’t always lead to wetness, erections and engorgement. Things like hormonal changes, stress, pressure, exhaustion, alcohol, contraception, medications, disabilities, and even how hydrated we are can also impact things like natural lubrication and erections.

   
   

   It’s also possible the other way around - e.g. for our bodies to become physically aroused even when we don’t feel turned on. This is called arousal non-concordance, and it’s all very normal!

   
   

   It's rarely helpful to ask somebody WHY their body isn't hard/isn't wet - they often don't know, and it just makes them feel awkward or pressured to 'perform'. Instead, you could check in with where they are at by saying things like:

   
   

   • Do we want to slow things down?

   • Let's kiss for a bit

   • Is this still hot for you?

   • Is there anything you need?

   • Pass the lube!

   • Show me what you need

     
     

   You could also make it feel hot by removing the pressure and focusing on other things such as:

   
   

   • Can I give you an erotic massage?

   • Can you go down on me?

   • Mmm, that feels amazing

   • Let's get the vibrator out

   
   

   Try dirty talk to get back into the moment and turn you both on. Remember great sex does not need an erection or penetration - there are lots of other things you can enjoy and you can always stop at any time. 

   
   

4. "Stop overthinking it / just relax"

   This is never helpful advice! So many people struggle to stay present and in the moment during sex. They might struggle with issues such as reduced sensation, difficulty orgasming, erection difficulty or mental distractions. This is all very common!

   
   

   But it's rarely helpful to tell people to 'just relax' or 'stop overthinking it' - it just minimises their experience and makes it even harder to relax! 

   
   

   Instead, I teach people body hacks or somatic tools to help people get out of their head and back into their body, using things like touch, mindfulness, breath, movement, sound, and understanding what their own turn-ons are. Instead of telling them to relax, help them figure out what sorts of things usually turn them on and try that instead!

   
   

5. Saying nothing at all / silence

   Great sex requires great communication! Don't be afraid to make noise, to be loud, and to ask for what you want. If you struggle to know what you like and how to ask for it, book a session!  

   
   
   
   

Best,

Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.