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How Do I Spice Up My Sex Life?

Written by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist

Sydney-based Somatic Sexologist and Sex & Intimacy Counsellor Alice Child explains why sex in long term relationships can get habitual and boring, and gives her top tips for how to mix it up and try new things.

Woman crying after sex

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.

"People have sex for lots of reasons; To feel pleasure, relieve stress, or for self expression. Make sure you‘re also prioritising connection: Open your eyes. Read their body language. Look in their eyes. Talk. Make noise. Stay present.

We all have favourite positions, fantasies, role plays, toys, or things that work for us. But when we do the same thing every time it can get really boring or feel like a chore - and nobody wants that.

If your sex life has become a little habitual or routine, here are some ideas for how to spice up your sex life and add more newness, excitement, and fun between the sheets.

1. Dive deeper into what is already working

Super charge your sex life by asking yourself (and each other!) one simple question:  Why is that so hot?

Arousal so often starts in the brain. Go deeper underneath the hood so you can bring that erotic theme to life in new ways.

  • Teasing - If your favourite thing in the world is lying back and being teased.. Ask yourself why? E.g. “‘because it feels low pressure, allows my body to take it’s time, I feel worshiped/desired/submissive and it builds anticipation”

  • Sex position - If your favourite position is doggy... ask yourself why? E. g. - “because it makes me feel naughty, primal, dirty and ‘taken’.”

2. Do my Yes/No/Maybe List

Complete my free yes / no / maybe Sexual Bucket list PDF and show each other. Learn new things to try!

Yes: Thinks I know I love in the bedroom / turn ons 

No: Things I don’t want to try / things I don’t like / my boundaries 

Maybe: Things I’m curious about if we chat about it first 

Chat about a new fantasy / maybe, and schedule a time to do it!

3. Expand your definition of sex

Sex is many things. Stop seeing it as just penetration.  There is SO much more out there. 

“Foreplay” is not just the starter course. It can be the entire meal. 

Being great in bed is a skill. Learn new things, go to classes/workshops/festivals, and book in a session with me. Have a fun, curious mindset.

Learn and talk about new new ways to connect erotically. Tantra, kink, role play, erotic massage, writing erotica...

Savour and take your time with each other. Arousal takes time to build.

4. Don't use your partner for self-pleasure

Are you having sexy with your partner… or using them to relieve your needs?  Know the difference, feel the difference, and they will too. 

People have sex for lots of reasons; To feel pleasure, relieve stress, or for self expression. Make sure you‘re also prioritising connection: Open your eyes. Read their body language. Look in their eyes. Talk. Make noise. Stay present.

Sex is somewhere you go together - not somewhere you feel alone.

5. Stop having sex tired

If you‘re only having sex when you‘re exhausted it’s not surprising you have fallen into a sexual rut.

When we are tired we have less creativity & energy and it’s much harder for arousal to build. Not to mention what a turn off it is when somebody yawns during sex!

Lazy sex (also known as slow sex) can be amazing, but it shouldn’t be the ONLY way of being intimate.

Some ideas:

  • Go to bed an hour earlier so you have time to connect first

  • Try morning sex

  • Schedule sex - eg at the weekend

  • Learn new ways to have low energy or slow sex sex - eg tantra, using a toy or vibrator, sensual erotic massage, lying down 69.

6. spice up your sex life with toys

Toys are part of the team (not your competition or only partner!)  Sex toys are a fun, healthy part of a couples sex life. They can really contribute to spicing up routine sex.

They add variety, new sensations, playfulness, and a really welcome helping hand when we need it.

They are not just for women / people with vulvas. Sex toys can be enjoyed by everyone -no matter what your sexuality or your sex or gender. Everything from vibrators, to anal play , to cock-rings. There truly are toys for everyone.

Don’t be threatened or intimidated, and don‘t become over reliant on them. Toys are just another erotic tool at your disposal. Just like your hands, voice, eyes and genitals are your tools too.

If you need help finding your perfect next purchase - book in a session! I am full of recommendations.

7. Always have a debrief after sex

After sex, get in the habit of chatting about:

  • What was hot for you

  • What you’re curious to try next 

  • Anything that would have made it even better

This doesn’t need to be a long conversation - it can be as simple as “what was your fave bit?”, “More of that!” “That felt incredible!”

Constantly talk about each other’s turn ons, turn offs, desires and fantasies. Our eroticism is always evolving. Couples that talk about sex more are more likely to keep have great sex - even in a long term relationship.

8. Teach each other how to masturbate

Self pleasure does not replace sex, and sex does not replace masturbation. They are BOTH important.

Differences in how we masturbate often contribute to different needs during sex. For example:

If he masturbates with a firm, fast grip in the shower = enjoys hard, fast, deep penetration when standing (e.g. doggy)

If she grinds her clit slowly against a pillow on her belly = enjoys being on her front with circular grinding motions & minimal/no thrusting

Show your partner how you masturbate, do it together, and teach them what you need. And try more variety when you’re alone to teach your body new tricks!

Good luck on your journey to sexual well-being!


Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.

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