7 Questions You Were Too Afraid to Ask About Sex – Revealed!

Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist

Somatic Sexologist Alice Child takes the lid off 7 of the most common questions women struggle with when it comes to sex, relationships and intimacy. Move over Dolly Doctor!

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.

When people hear what I do for work it doesn’t take long before the questions and personal stories begin. After all, it’s not every day you meet a sexologist at a dinner party! Although sex is a sensitive topic for most people, I’ve found that all it takes for people to want to talk about sex is feeling comfortable and being given permission. 

And to be honest, I welcome these questions! As a society, we don’t talk enough about sex. It's time we saw sex and pleasure as a natural, normal, and healthy part of life, and remove all that shame, silence and embarrassment. 

Because when we have a happy sex life our mental health and physical health improves along with our relationships.  Pleasure is good for us!

In this spirit, here are some of the most common questions people ask me when it comes to sex. I hope these make you feel more normal and inspired to take your sexual wellness to the next level this weekend. 

And remember - you deserve pleasure!

What questions about sex do I get asked the most?

1. "I can't orgasm - am I broken?"

You're not broken, and you're very normal! Studies show that between 10-15% of women have never experienced an orgasm, and many more find it difficult or even impossible to orgasm in certain situations (like with a partner). 

There are all sorts of reasons why this happens, and none of them have anything to do with your body being ‘broken’ or in need of ‘fixing’. With the right stimulus, context and headspace you can teach your body new tricks. It often takes time, patience, and practice - and a big dose of sex-positive education!

It might sound counter intuitive, but my first piece of advice is to remove the goal of orgasm and instead make pleasure your goal. Learn to enjoy the journey, not just the destination. This will help remove the frustration and pressure you might be putting on yourself and instead allow you to focus on what is feeling good. 

Avoid the temptation of faking orgasms, and instead find your voice. Get more confident asking for what you want and go out and learn about your pleasure anatomy. Masturbate mindfully, and remember arousal takes time to build. Put yourself into a relaxed mindset—because pressure isn’t sexy.

I highly recommend booking a session with me to explore what’s going on, hear your story, and provide you with the education, support, and tools you may need!

2. "I’m a feminist so why do I like being dominated during sex?”

A lot of women find their desire for sexual submission hard to accept because it feels so counter to their values. But that’s exactly what erotism allows us to do – step outside of our everyday roles and into the infinite possibilities of our erotic playground!

World-famous relationship therapist Esther Perell says in her book Mating in Captivity that “The erotic imagination has the force to override reason, convention and social barriers”, and it is a space where we can safely (and sexily!) experience our taboos.

There are lots of reasons why you might enjoy being degraded during sex - as long as it’s consensual between two (or more!) adults, there’s no harm done. 

3. “I have lost my sex drive - will it ever come back?”

Most people will experience changes in their sex drive at some point in their lifetime, because our desire for sex isn’t fixed. It can change for many reasons. Some of these reasons are physical, like hormonal changes, and others are emotional/mental, like stress.

The good news is it’s not completely outside our control! There are things we can do to increase our desire, orgasmicity and arousal. 

According to Emily Nagoski, there are two types of desire; spontaneous and responsive. They are both very healthy and normal. Spontaneous desire tends to happen more during new relationships and when we are younger. It’s that feeling of being ‘in the mood’ and immediately wanting sex.

Responsive desire is much more common, although we don’t think about it as much. It’s where we need more stimulus to want or desire sex. For example, after a 30-minute massage or a long passionate kiss. For responsive desire to thrive, we need the right context, headspace and stimulus (these are our sexy accelerators!).  

Sexologists help people identify their sexual brakes (things like stress, tiredness, low self-confidence, conflict or poor mental health) and their sexual accelerators (things like moving their body, dancing, a certain smell, getting compliments, crushing it at work). When enough accelerators are present, it can trigger responsive desire.

A fun way to explore what turns you and your partner on/off is by playing my Brakes & Accelerators Quiz. It’s a quick-fire Q&A game that’s perfect for navigating different sex drives and desires.

4. “Why does sex feel great sometimes, and painful at other times?”

If you’re experiencing painful sex, it’s important to see a health professional. It’s often treatable and could be linked to an underlying physical health condition.

Painful sex can also happen if you’re not getting the touch that feels good for you or if things are moving too fast. Desire and arousal take time to build! 

Arousal changes everything - it increases the blood flow into the pelvis, genitals and erectile tissues, making everything feel more sensitive and pleasurable. Erectile tissue fills with blood in both penises AND vulvas, but it just takes longer for vulvas and clitorises (up to 30 minutes—so take your time!).

Plus, for people with vulvas, arousal causes the round ligament in the pelvis to lift the cervix up and out of the way, which can make deeper penetration feel more pleasurable. Amazing!

Your menstrual cycle (if you get periods) can also affect how sex feels throughout the month. For example, near the end of your cycle, just before your period, your cervix sits lower, which can make deep penetration feel uncomfortable or even painful.

Arousal can also double your pain tolerance! So, take things slow, use plenty of lube, and remember that sex should NEVER be painful. That’s why sexual communication and learning how to listen to your body is so important.

5. “Why don’t I get wet enough?”

Sometimes we can feel really turned on, but our body doesn’t respond the way we want it to. Arousal takes time to build, and it doesn’t always lead to wetness or swelling. Things like hormonal changes, menopause, and even how hydrated we are can affect natural lubrication.

It can also happen the other way around—our bodies get physically aroused even when we don’t actually feel turned on. This is called arousal non-concordance, and it’s totally normal!

Even if you’ve never experienced this, using lube makes everything feel better–not just penetration. It can be used anywhere on the body, and in my opinion, it’s essential for any great sexual activity. More slippery, more sensitive, more pleasurable! 

I always recommend buying a certified, pH-friendly, water-based organic lube, and always have it on hand. It takes the pressure off and lets you focus on the pleasure. Because that’s what sex is all about, right?

6. “Is keeping passion impossible in long term relationships?”

Yes! But it takes work. Love alone is not enough. We have to actively prioritise our relationship as lovers, not just as committed life partners. While most people crave the stability and comfort of ‘feeling like a team’, an element of separateness is essential for a hot sex life. As Esther Perel says “When two become one—connection can no longer happen.”  

Sex therapist Jack Morin developed what he called the Erotic Equation: Arousal = Attraction + Obstacles. In other words, attraction on its own isn’t enough to build arousal. We also need some form of tension, mystery, or novelty to spark desire.

Think back to the hottest sex or fantasy you’ve ever had. Was there something new or unexpected about it? Maybe a new partner, a different setting, or a fresh scenario?

In the early stages of a relationship, there’s naturally plenty of novelty and obstacles. But in long term relationships, it’s our job to mindfully cultivate passion, and bring novelty into the relationship ourselves. 

Foreplay isn’t just what happens before sex—it should become the entire relationship. Learn how to speak each other’s love languages and how to help trigger each other's desire for sex.  

7. “Will a vibrator desensitise me?”

Vibrators are amazing for introducing new sensations and helping build pleasure and arousal in the body. They are fun, feel great, and bring a lot of pleasure and novelty into the bedroom. Despite what you might have heard, there’s no evidence that vibrators ‘desensitise’ your nerve endings (even the more powerful ones!) so go for gold!

That said, just like any erotic tool (like porn), if you use the same stimulus every single time you want to build arousal, your body become reliant on that specific stimulus. Over time, it might become harder to reach the same level of pleasure without it.

When it comes to sex and pleasure, I always recommend variety. Mix up your self-pleasure routine with new toys, positions, fantasies, or go manual from time to time using just your fingers. This will teach your body and nervous system lots of different ways to feel pleasure.  

Have more questions you'd love to ask a sexologist? Book in a session with me for personalised support.

Best,

Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.