The 6 Sexual Initiation Styles
- MC
- Mar 26
- 5 min read
Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child breaks down Sexual Initiation Styles, explains how to discover yours and shares her top tips on how to bring them into your relationship.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored advice, please book in a session.
Good sexual initiation is all about balancing what turns your partner on and what feels authentic and sexy for you
When it comes to initiating sex, there's often a myth that it should just happen effortlessly, without the need for communication. The reality is, getting it right takes more than just chemistry.
The trick to good sexual initiation isn’t just about setting the mood or being spontaneous; it’s about finding that sweet spot between what turns your partner on and what feels authentic and sexy for you.
A key step is leaving expectations at the door. Don’t go in assuming you’ll get a yes or a no, stay open to the moment and how your partner responds. Once you understand both your style(s) and your partner’s, it can completely transform the way you approach intimacy.
What are Sexual Initiation Styles?
Sex therapist Vanessa Marin in her recent book Sex Talks outlines size different initiation styles, which breaks down the different ways people like to be approached when it comes to intimacy. These six styles offer a great way to understand not just your own preferences, but your partner's as well.
Understanding these styles can make sexual experiences feel more comfortable and satisfying for everyone and help avoid any miscommunications or frustrations along the way.
The 6 Sexual Initiation Styles:
1. Excite me
Excite Me is all about the slow burn and the thrill of anticipation. The goal is to stir up desire and make things feel electric right from the start, building that sense of excitement that leads to more. For those who enjoy this style, it’s about creating a feeling of being on the edge, where every glance, touch, and word can make things more intense.
These people would like:
Sharing your sexual fantasies
Sending flirty texts and photos throughout the day
Sensual touch - e.g. a lingering hand on the back or a soft kiss on the neck
Teasing
Scheduling intimacy
2. Connect with me
Connect with Me is all about emotional intimacy. These people are looking for a deep emotional connection before things get physical. They want to feel seen, heard and appreciated. If you thrive on emotional connection and deepening your bond with your partner, this style probably speaks to you the most. It’s not about rushing into sex—it’s about creating that closeness first.
These people would like:
Holding hands and cuddling
Spending quality time together
Sharing vulnerabilities
Intimate and meaningful conversations
3. Care for me
Care for Me is about acts of kindness or affection that make the other person feel safe and loved. These people crave tenderness, kindness, and reassurance. When you support your partner in ways that ease their burdens and make them feel cared for, it the door to deeper connection and intimacy. If you’re someone who feels most comfortable when your partner takes care of you, this might be an initiation style that best fits your needs.
These people would like:
Choreplay – e.g. helping with their tasks!
Thoughtful actions – e.g. running a bath or bringing their favourite snack
Compliments or reassuring words – e.g. I’ve got you or I’m here for you
Physical touch and comfort – e.g. a soft kiss on the forehead
4. Play with me
Play with Me is about bringing a sense of light-heartedness and fun into the relationship. These people love to keep things playful, whether it’s through teasing, joking, or being spontaneous. There’s a sense of adventure here—no pressure just enjoying the moment and having fun. When things are playful, the connection feels more carefree, and that energy can be incredibly attractive. People who like this style enjoy laughter and a sense of flirtatious fun before things get heated. If you love turning sex into an exciting, playful experience rather than something too serious or heavy, this might be your style.
These people would like:
Playful wrestle or pillow fight
Sexy games – e.g. Pillow Play (my online sex and intimacy games for couples!)
Flirty banter, teasing and inside jokes
If "Play with me" is your style, you'll love my Pillow Play game Strip Roulette - a sexy stripping game that’s filled with teasing and playfulness. You'll also like X Marks the Spot, a game to explore play fighting, role play, and naughtiness.
5. Desire me
Desire Me is all about feeling intensely wanted and desired. It’s not just about initiating sex—it’s about making your partner feel like they can’t wait to get their hands on you. This is about creating moments where the focus is entirely on them, making them feel completely wanted. They love feeling that passion, deep connection, and being made to feel irresistible. If you enjoy being pursued and love when someone shows intense desire for you, this might be your initiation style.
These people would like:
Telling them how hot you find them
Sexting fantasies to build anticipation and dirty talk
Pulling them into a passionate kiss
Whispering sexy words to them
Telling them exactly what you want to do to them
Flirty body language – e.g. biting your lip, holding deep eye contact
6. Touch me
Touch Me is all about the power of physical connection. These people feel the most intimate when their partner touches them, whether it's a simple hand on the shoulder or a more sensual touch. It's all about using touch to create closeness, desire, and warmth. For them, physical contact is a powerful way to feel connected, loved, and desired. Touch can feel comforting, exciting, and deeply intimate—and for many, it’s the perfect way to set the stage for sex. If you're someone who feels aroused when your partner touches you in intimate or tender ways, this style is likely the one you identify with most.
These people would like:
Sensual intimate body contact – e.g. gentle touch on their back an arms or a gentle massage
Physical affection – e.g. a hug and kiss
Lingering touches - e.g. a hand on their leg whilst driving
Starting sex with a massage
Why it's important to know you and your partners style(s)
Understanding these sexual initiation styles can improve communication and help you and your partner figure out what works best for both of you. For example, if one person leans toward spontaneous initiation and the other prefers a more planned approach, knowing this can help avoid misunderstandings or frustration.
Also, these styles aren’t set in stone. You might find that you lean toward one style more often, but you may also switch it up depending on the situation or your mood. The goal is to figure out what feels right and comfortable for both partners.
So, next time you're about to get intimate, think about which initiation style(s) feels right for you—and don't be afraid to talk about it with your partner! Exploring different initiation styles can help you both figure out what works best, making your connection even stronger.
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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