Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains the 5 love languages, and gives her tips for how to help you and your partner feel loved and appreciated every single day.
This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.
Strengthen and deepen your relationships by understanding your love languages
What are Love Languages?
Love Languages were first explored in the 1992 book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is a really helpful and simple framework to explain the different ways that people express and receive love.
Everyone is different - what makes one person feel wanted, appreciated and desired is often very different to what matters most to their partner.
While some people need to hear the words "I love you" in order to feel loved for example, their partner might prefer thoughtful gestures instead of words. To them, being picked up from their airport or having a beautiful meal cooked for them would feel far more meaningful than words.
What are the benefits of learning your partners Love Language?
Being aware of both your own love language(s) and the language(s) that matters most to your partner helps you grow a stronger connection.
Although becoming fluent in each other's language takes time and practice (and might feel a bit forced at first), it helps you both feel closer, desired and connected. This in turn has multiple benefits to your relationship.
Some benefits of knowing your partner's love language:
Clearer understanding of each other's needs
Feeling like a team
Improved communication
Personalised expressions of affection and daily rituals for connection
Ideas for how to initiate intimacy and initiate sex
Increased attraction to each other
First step in overcoming mismatched libido
First step in getting over a sexual dry spell
Want to explore your partners Love Language ?
If you're unsure of your own or your partner's love languages or you want some more ideas, try my 30 Daily Love Rituals worksheet. It helps couples figure out each other’s love language and give you daily ideas for connection.
What are the 5 Love Languages and how to speak your partners Love Language?
Words of Affirmation
People who like words of affirmation express and feel love through verbal expressions like compliments, praise, and encouragement. They need to hear kind words and genuine compliments like "I love you" , "You mean the world to me" or "You look so beautiful today" to feel appreciated, sexy and valued. They might love long birthday cards, love notes, and thoughtful texts and phone calls.
They might also enjoy praise and compliments as part of dirty talk during intimacy - helping them feel really desired in the moment.
For these people, words can be incredibly powerful, and so criticism or harsh words during conflict may feel particularly hurtful.
If this sounds like you, you will enjoy Level 1 of Pillow Play (my sex and intimacy games for couples) - there are lots of games in there designed to help you deepen and improve your communication.
Acts of Service
People who like acts of service show love by doing things to make life easier, like making dinner, bringing their partner their morning coffee, helping with chores or generally being helpful and thoughtful.
These people need thoughtful gestures to feel loved as the effort behind those actions makes them feel how much they’re appreciated. They might say things like 'I don't need to tell you - I show you all the time!"
To them, having thoughtful gestures done for them removes the mental load and helps create space for intimacy to grow - I sometimes call it 'chore-play!'
They may feel unimportant when responsibilities are neglected or when they don't get help when they need it.
If this sounds like you, you might enjoy Level 2 of Pillow Play (my sex and intimacy games for couples) - helping you feel more appreciated through thoughtful gestures.
Gifts
People who like gifts feel loved and appreciated through thoughtful gifts, like bringing home flowers or a meaningful purchase.
The modern day equivalent to flowers could even be silly little things like sending each other funny memes on instagram! This is sometimes called 'pebbling' - sharing little 'pebbles' or gifts to show somebody you are thinking about them.
It’s often not about the price but the meaning behind the gesture —something simple can really show how much they’re cared for and thought about - even when they are physically apart.
These people may feel undervalued when special occasions are forgotten or they receive thoughtless, impersonal gifts.
Physical Touch
People who like touch need physical displays of affection to feel loved. It includes everything from hugs, kisses, and holding hands to more intimate gestures like cuddling, meaningful kisses, showers together, sensual touching, warm sex, sex and massages.
For these people, touch is a way to feel cared for and connected. They feel most loved and secure when they're physically close to their partner, and without it, they can start to feel distant or rejected.
Dry spells or periods without physical touch and sexual intimacy can feel particularly hard for these people. Bringing in daily physical intimacy without it leading to sex (like a 6 second kiss a day) can be a great way of getting their love language need met.
If this sounds like you, you will also enjoy Level 2 of Pillow Play (my sex and intimacy games for couples) - learning how to give and receive amazing touch.
Quality Time
People who like quality time need focused and uninterrupted time with someone to feel loved, such as organising date night, phone free time and mindful presence together.
It's not just about being in the same room but about being emotionally available and engaged, which helps build closeness and intimacy. Being distracted during time spent together like constantly checking their phone, seeming uninterested or being emotionally unavailable can make them feel neglected.
May I Kiss Your Nipple is a fun game in Pillow Play (my online sex and intimacy games for couples!) all about building desire in small intimate ways and giving each other your full attention. All of the games are great for deepening intimacy and chemistry, and carving out meaningful quality time.
Best,
Alice x
Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.
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