8 Tips for Conscious Dominants

Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist 

Somatic Sexologist Alice Child unpacks power play and shares her top tips on how to confidently take the lead during sex and step into your Dominance.

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.

Power play (or power exchange) is when two people have beautifully symbiotic desires. The submissive craves the freedom of surrender, and the Dominant craves the feeling of taking charge.

But being a great Dominant in the bedroom isn’t just about doing whatever you want! True Dominance isn’t rooted in control for its own sake—it’s about co-creating an experience where both partners feel fulfilled and safe.

Kink is a consensual play of power - you can only “take” the power that has been joyfully, willingly, and trustingly given. Great Dominance is not just taking control. It’s creating mind-blowing experiences that allow both of you to experience your fantasies with safety and trust. Their power is a gift they give to you - and what an honour that is!

Stepping into your Dominance can feel daunting. Many people worry about “getting it wrong”, being too soft, or going too far. But like any skill, it can be learned and practised. So, if you’re ready to explore, here are some of my top tips to help you confidently step into your Dominance.

1. Chat first

   You’re not expected to magically know what to do—everyone has their own desires and limits. That’s where pre-negotiation comes in. Take time to talk openly and regularly with your partner about your desires, boundaries, safety needs, past experiences, limits, and what kind of aftercare you both need. This establishes consent & can be great foreplay!

   
   

   Establish your safe words, and ask open-ended questions like:

   • How do you want to feel?

   • What are your boundaries and limits?

   • What happens in the fantasy?

   • How can I make this feel safe for you?

   • What do you like to be called/call me?

   • What aftercare might you need?

   • What have you tried and enjoyed before?

2. Get inspired and educated

   There are so many incredible BDSM resources out there! Get educated and feel inspired by other people in the community. This can also help you feel normal, and release any shame you might have about your desires.

   
   

   If you’re not sure where to start, check out some sex positive books or podcasts, Fetlife, ethical porn, Reddit, or local workshops, events and courses. You can book a session with me if you’re not sure where to start, and come along to my next workshop if you’re based in Sydney.

   
   

   Remember - watching BDSM porn can be fun and spark ideas, but don’t just copy what you see. What you see is often a performance and not reality, so always prioritise consent, communication, and safety when you bring things into your own play.

   
   

3. Have a flexible plan

   Give yourself time to reflect on what you know about both of your desires/boundaries, and have some ideas up your sleeve. It doesn't need to be a whole step-by-step script (unless you both enjoy that!), but having some small anchors can be incredibly helpful.

   
   

   Here are some ideas to consider:

   • How you want the scene to ‘begin’ 

   • Music, toys,  props, and setting up the space

   • What you will call them / want to be called

   • Tried and tested things you both love as well as

   • A few new ideas you’ve discussed together

   • Time and attention for aftercare

   • Feeling nervous? Try using a blindfold (with their consent first, of course!).

   
   

4. Look and feel the part

   On the day/night, dress and present yourself in a way that makes you feel confident and authentic to yourself!

   
   

   Your appearance should align with the energy you want to project – assured and intentional. A Dom(me) sets the tone and pace, and how you carry yourself will influence how others respond to you. Go for the clothes, grooming, posture, and accessories that empower you.

   
   

   When you feel good in your own skin, it really shows – and confidence is magnetic!

   
   

5. Embodiment

   Come up with a ritual ahead of time that helps you get into the zone. This could be a shower, a workout, or listening to certain music as you get ready. These aren’t just physical routines. They release endorphins and pleasure chemicals, helping you feel more present, confident and embodied. It also helps you get into the mood, shifting your focus from everyday mode and into your ‘Dom(me) headspace’.

   
   

   Everyone has a different ‘Dom’ style, so give yourself time to learn yours.

   
   

6. Slow down

   A conscious Dom(me) sets the pace. Rushing can signal a lack of certainty and can even make your sub uncomfortable. It’s okay to be nervous (you’re human!), so slow your breath to help regulate and ground your nervous energy.

   
   

   Use a calm, grounded tone and slow down your speaking. You don’t need to fill the space with constant directions! Less is more.

   
   

   Do the same with your body language. A powerful posture can help you look (and feel!) powerful. You want to appear open, grounded and in control – a very attractive combo!

   
   

7. Check in

   Stay present, read their body language, and enjoy the moment. You’re also here to have fun and feel good! This is about your desires too.

   
   

   If you’re unsure how things are going, check in on your sub by using a colour check (and remember you can also use these as safe words!)

   
   

   • “Green” = Fun/ Keep going

   • “Yellow” = Unsure/ Slow down

   • “Red” = Stop immediately

   
   

   If everything is “green” for both of you, you can relax, follow your curiosity, and do what you and your sub have agreed to. Let go of perfectionism and enjoy the ride!

   
   

8. Aftercare

   Kink can release some pretty intense feelings and chemicals (physically and emotionally) for both of you. This is sometimes called ‘subdrop’ and ‘domdrop’, and can look and feel different for everyone. This is why aftercare is so important to look after both your emotional and physical needs. This could look like a cuddle, a warm drink, a chat, sharing a snack, a shower together or verbal reassurance that you both enjoyed yourselves.

   
   

   It’s good to check in immediately afterwards with your partner, as well as the next day and a few days later - the ‘drop’ can sometimes have a delay. When you feel ready, have a debrief - What was hot, what did you enjoy, what are you curious about next time?

Best,

Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.