8 Tips for Conscious Submission

Reviewed by Alice Child, Somatic Sexologist 

Somatic Sexologist Alice Child shares her top tips to help you explore conscious submission and become a more confident submissive.

This guide contains general advice only. If you need more tailored support, please book in a session.

Being a great submissive in the bedroom isn’t about lying back silently and expecting your Dominant partner to know exactly what to do. People often think of submission as passive, but in reality, it’s an active, intentional choice. Kink is a consensual play of power — and your partner can only “take” the power you’ve joyfully and willingly given them. That’s what makes it feel safe, sexy, and deeply connective.

True submission requires great communication and self-awareness. Knowing your limits, fantasies, and boundaries allows you to hand over control with confidence, which in turn helps your Dominant feel more grounded in guiding the experience. It’s not about giving up responsibility; it’s about co-creating a dynamic where you both thrive.

When you bring honesty and openness, submission becomes a skill you can grow and improve over time. Approaching it consciously helps you build trust, deepen intimacy, and create a safe space where you can both explore freely.

So, here are some of my top tips to help you become a more confident submissive.

1. Explore your desires alone

   First, learn what you’re into! What turns on your mind? What are your fantasies? Let your mind wander during self-pleasure and reflect on where it takes you. And when you do, let go of shame - it’s all normal!

   
   

   There are so many incredible BDSM resources out there! Get educated and feel inspired by other people in the community! Take a look at some sex positive books, podcasts, Fetlife, ethical porn, Reddit forums, local workshops, events and courses. Book in a session if you’re not sure where to start, and come along to my next workshop if you’re based in Sydney.

   
   

2. Clear communication

   They might know how to get inside your head, but even great Dom(me)s are not mind readers!

   
   

   That’s where pre-negotiation comes in. Take time to talk openly with your partner about your desires, boundaries, past experiences, and limits. Be specific and share examples — it not only sets clear consent but can also be a form of foreplay in itself!

   
   

   If you feel awkward, try writing it down first. A good Dom won’t feel comfortable bringing your desires to life unless they know what you like and how to keep it safe for you.

   
   

3. Learn to say "No"

   Saying “no” can feel difficult, but it’s an essential skill for everyone. Being submissive doesn’t mean giving up your boundaries — in fact, your ability to communicate your boundaries clearly is even more essential.

   
   

   One of the best tools for this is by establishing a safe word system and practising using it so it feels natural in the moment:

   
   

   • “Green” = Fun/ Keep going

   • “Yellow” = Unsure/ Slow down

   • “Red” = Stop immediately

   
   

   It’s not just for you, it also helps your partner feel safe and confident.

   
   

4. Let go of ‘perfect’

   There’s a common misconception that being submissive requires more trust than being dominant. But any Dom will tell you how nerve wracking it can feel to take the lead in a scene for the first time. Stepping into the Dominant role takes just as much courage, vulnerability, and trust.

   
   

   If you’re exploring submission with a partner who’s new to dominance, don’t expect them to get everything “perfect” right away. Like any skill, it takes practice to find their authentic Dom energy. Celebrate their efforts, offer encouragement, and notice the things they do well — this helps build their confidence and makes the experience better for both of you.

   
   

   When you debrief, start by focusing on the positives. Share what turned you on, what made you feel safe, and what you’d love to do again. Save the finer feedback or "adjustments” for later, once the energy of the scene has settled. This way, your partner feels supported and motivated to keep exploring with you.

   
   

5. Prepare your body and mind

   Take your time to get in the zone! Dress and present yourself in a way that makes you feel sexy, confident, and irresistible — whatever that looks like for you. When you feel comfortable in your own skin, it’s so much easier to let go of distractions, quiet your mind, and fully surrender to the experience.

   
   

   You can also set the mood together. If it turns you both on, ask your partner for permission to prepare the space — whether that’s choosing the music, laying out toys, or arranging the room. Framing it as a request starts the power exchange before the play even begins, adding an extra layer of anticipation and connection.

6. Embodiment

   Breathe deeply, drop into your body, and allow yourself to fully enjoy the sensations. Surrender is as much about letting go of your mind as it is about giving over control — so lean into the feelings and let yourself be carried by the moment.

   
   

   Don’t hold back from moving, breathing, moaning, or touching your Dom. Expressing yourself is not only natural, it’s incredibly hot. Unapologetic desire is deeply erotic, and it helps keep you both present and connected.

   
   

   Remember that submission doesn’t mean silence. If something doesn’t feel right, speak up. Use your safe words, communicate your needs, and know that it’s absolutely okay to adjust in the middle of a scene. Staying honest keeps the play safe, sexy, and satisfying for both of you.

   
   

7. Suggest a blindfold

   For people new to power exchange, I often recommend trying a blindfold — if you’re comfortable and give your consent, of course. Having a blindfold put on you can feel incredibly erotic and can be a great way to start a scene.

   
   

   It helps you slip more easily into a submissive headspace, while also giving your partner the chance to step into control without feeling so self-conscious. A blindfold heightens your sensitivity to their voice, touch, and presence, building delicious anticipation and tension before anything even happens.

   
   

8. Aftercare

   Kink can stir up powerful emotions and release intense physical and chemical reactions for both partners. This is sometimes called ‘subdrop’ or ‘domdrop’, and it can look and feel different for everyone.

   
   

   That’s where aftercare comes in. Aftercare is about tending to both your physical and emotional needs once the scene ends. It might be cuddling under a blanket, sharing a warm drink, having a shower together, verbal reassurance, or simply checking in and talking about what you enjoyed. Even something as simple as a little snack can help your body recover.

   
   

   Don’t just stop at the aftercare either — check in with each other the next day and even a few days later. Drops can sometimes be delayed, and ongoing care helps you both feel safe and valued.

If you're not sure where to begin, book in a session with me for some guidance.

Best,

Alice x

Alice Child - Somatic Sexologist, Sex Therapy & Sex Counsellor - helps people achieve happier and healthier sex lives through 1:1 sex coaching, couples sex counselling, hens parties, and workshops. Book a session here.